


Evangelion Divergence - new friends (?)/ a peak behind the mirror

by Village_outsideR



Series: Evangelion Divergence [2]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Loneliness, Love Triangles, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Original Character(s), POV Multiple, Psychological Trauma, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Insert, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-07 13:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 41,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20976959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Village_outsideR/pseuds/Village_outsideR
Summary: picking up where we left off, US evangelion pilot Nathan returns to school and tries adjusting. new drama and new feelings arise, everyone continues to struggle connecting with him but not as much as he struggles with himself.a new angel attacks and misato has the kids test their connections with one another's EVA seeing if they can connect with one another. Will they once they see how messed up the others are or will that just drive them further apartGendo and Fuyutsuki continue to plan behind the scenes, secrets are made and uncoveredAnd of course Nathan being a self-insert is fueled by two things tea and emo musicJust a heads up there is a fair amount of OOC behavior in this, but i hope you enjoy anyways





	1. Back in class Nathan's pov

Nathan

Class so far was uneventful, then again it had just begun. The tension was so thick in the air that it could be cut with a knife, that new pilot Asuka kept glaring daggers at me whenever the teacher’s back was turned her face seemed to be stuck in a permanent sneer.

“Seriously, Shinji what is that girl’s problem. Can she not take a joke or what?” I asked motioning over to her.

“I don’t know what to say Nathan, she’s kind of full of herself. But give her time, I guess. She might grow on you.” 

Shrugging my shoulders, a bit and raising my eyebrows, I figured out might as well try and get along with her at least. I’d rather be on a half friendly basis with someone if they were going to watch my back than rely on someone who hated my guts completely.

Getting back into the old routine of things felt a lot like running through wet cement just as it was setting in. The assigned reading was interesting so far but everything else was just too boring, every second every minute crept by at a snail’s pace. It was hard not to fidget, either my knee was pumping up and down or my fingers were tapping the desk. It was like there was a steady stream of adrenaline just being pumped into my body, and there was nothing that could soothe it.

The air inside was starting to feel hot and stale. There was a single thought running around in my mind, it seemed to steady my breathing and fidgeting for a bit, but it did nothing to lower my heart rate. I don’t know what it was but all I wanted to do was to get back into the EVA. It was like it was calling me towards it, I just kept picturing it in the cage, and the inside of its tube. Relaxing in the dark, breathing in the LCL.

But there was a flash of something, a sharp sudden crack in my wrist. I swear I could hear the bones snapping and popping apart, then I felt the sensation of skin, muscle, bone and cartilage ripping apart slowly. Sweat ran down my head as I grabbed on to my hand in an effort to reassure my brain that it was still there.

Then I felt my spine being punctured and broken by a sharp dull bone blade, as I felt it leave my stomach the razor-sharp spinal column of the tail jiggled and rattled around in my insides before working their way up sawing through my body. How was no one noticing me?! How did they not hear my rapid breathing, how did they not hear my thumping heart? It was beating with such force that my skull was rattling.

Trying to find some means of relief or maybe I was trying to snap my brain back into reality I started to chew on my thumbnail. It felt like I was shaving my tooth down or I was lifting my nail up separating it from its place until it popped off.

When the bell rang excusing us to gym class it almost made me jump out of my skin, looking back at my thumb I noticed the big chip in the top center I had manage to gnaw into life. Figuring what was the worse thing that could happen I peeled it apart and ripped half of it away down to the nail bed. There was the instant sting as skin and thick nail was ripped away.

Almost immediately a thick trail of blood seeped out from underneath the nail emerging from the pink and trickled down my thumb, I squeezed it between my fingers making it bleed more, it was just throbbing like it had a heartbeat of its own. Looking up at the groups of kids slowly shuffling on down to the changing stations I saw Rei looking at me and what I had down to myself. 

Her eyes wide and intensely focused on the tiny river that was dripping off my wrist, tiny little droplets splattered on my desk. Her nostrils flared as the dark red almost purple blood left my hand, her eyes were shimmering like she was gonna cry. Covering her mouth, she ran out the door.

Turning from droplets into splotches that would look at home on a Rorschach test. Hiding it behind my waist I walked off to the infirmary. All the while I was panicking about the thought of psychological contamination, why was I still feeling the pain I felt in the EVA.

Why was I so eager to return to it? Pennies… I smelt pennies but that was from the blood, right? Then why was it so strong in the tube when I nearly died? I didn’t lose that much blood, did I? Was it from fear or stress, is that why I passed out? I brought my hand close to my nose, pennies. The smell was there, but it wasn’t as strong. Then again, I did almost cut my femoral artery, twice.

Lying to the nurse was the best course of action to avoid any annoying questions, what was I supposed to say. Oh, I’m having flashbacks and panic attacks from the time I nearly died fighting a giant monster, they’d lock me in a rubber room and discharge me from NERV so quick my head would spin. Saying I smashed my thumb in between a door and its doorway seemed more believable anyways, soon enough she sent me away with a thumb wrapped up in medical tape and gauze. 

I just wondered if Shinji ever went through something like this, or Rei. Maybe I’d ask them, the thought of asking Asuka didn’t even cross my mind, she’d probably just bust my balls. Besides I doubt anything like this would or did happen to her, even if it did. I doubt she’d tell anyone about it. I guess that’s one thing we share, we playthings pretty close to the chest. Then again, I gave Shinji a peak into what’s really going on.

Walking out into the courtyard I looked for the boys, the heat blasted my eyes, but it wasn’t anything like what the angel did. It was uncomfortable but I’d survive, it wasn’t until I heard cheering and laughing did, I notice that it was the guys pool day today. I felt a little disappointed, it would have been nice to take a dip and cool off, do some cannon balls or something. But I didn’t want to mess my thumb up any more than I already did, besides I probably wouldn’t be taking my shirt off in front of other people for a while… unless I wanted to hear whispers about how I looked like a human jigsaw puzzle.

Even with whatever medicine or salve they put on my stitching didn’t make them disappear enough. Sure, enough when I got to the pool Shinji, Toji and Kensuke were hanging by the gate a look of embarrassment was plastered on Shinji’s face. Every so often someone random guy would walk over to Kensuke squat down really quick and walk away with a big smile on his face.

Walking over their faces lite up, “Hey! Nathan we were wondering when you’d show up.” Kensuke grinned as he organized and leafed through stacks of yen notes. Looking at the stack next to him I noticed they were pictures of the new girl Asuka, various pictures of her in her gym or swim wear, pictures of her smiling or laughing and some that were a little bit more risqué. “See something you like Nathan? Don’t worry I’ll give you the friend discount.”

“What no! I just think all this is a bit creepy.” 

“Hey, I just happen to take the photos, if anything it’s the customers who are the creepers. They’re the ones who are forking over the cash to buy a photo of Asuka, and whatever they do with it once they go home is none of my business.”

Letting out a puff of my nose I looked at Shinji he just gave a limp shrug, something told me that he already had a similar conversation with Kensuke. “Hey… is everything okay Nathan?”

“What do you mean man?”

“Well your thumb for starters, that and what happened in the classroom.”

“Well I caught my thumb in the door and the nail cracked but, what happened in the classroom?”

“You don’t remember? We tried to get you to come with us to the locker rooms and you just kind of were zoned out saying you’ll be back soon. Not you’ll join us, but you’d be back.”

My thumb’s dull heartbeat seemed to grow more intense, and the sensation of it feeling like it was smacked with a sledgehammer grew. Had I talked to them? I don’t remember that, “Maybe I just misspoke, I’ve just been tired.”

“How can you be tired man? You were out for what like four weeks?” Toji piped up leaning with his face pressed up against the gate staring down at the field, scratching my chin I sarcastically shot back with. “Well I can’t help it I got used to sleeping in. Just need my beauty sleep.”

“Oh, man they are looking good today.” I walked over to Toji’s spot on the fence and I wasn’t surprised to see that he was peeping on the girls, I guess he was counting his lucky stars they got stuck with running on the track. “Just look at all that jiggling, man you can really tell which of them are drinking their milk. Even that Asuka girl, man if her personality was just a bit nicer man oh man, I think I’d be up in that.”

My skin started to crawl, and my insides became hot and squirmed around “Ugh dude, c’mon. Is that all you think about?”

“Don’t act like you don’t eye them too Nathan. Look at their legs, their skinny arms and tight thighs. And those bouncing boobs.”

“Toji reel it back in man, your tongues hanging out.” I muttered my eyes bouncing from girl to girl wondering what was it about them that made the guys act like this. Looking down at his chin he saw a long trail of drool hanging off his mouth, slapping his to it he wiped away the spittle on his shirt. Eventually I spotted Asuka jogging alongside Hikari and it looked like the red head was putting every ounce of her energy into running and staying in first. It was a miracle that Hikari managed to keep up with her.

But why was she pushing herself so hard, wasn’t she in first already? But then I saw it, ahead of her barely in a light brisk jog was Rei already rounding the corner of the track. Even from up by the pool I could see that Asuka had some look of anger on her eyes and was staring daggers at Rei. What was her deal I thought, it’s just a stupid running class.

Turning around I wondered what Rei wanted help with, looking at Shinji and seeing him sit on the ground with his knees to his chest wearing a furrowed brow and worried look I walked over and sat beside him asking him was what wrong. “Hey Shinji, something on your mind? Rei tells me that you guys are getting ready to go on your third date later on.”

“Oh yeah, I don’t know. Just kind of nervous I guess, I like Rei and all but. I feel like when we were out together her mind was somewhere else. Like she’d rather be somewhere else than with me.”

“Maybe she just has a lot on her mind. It kind of seems like she’s in her own little world. Besides I’m willing to take my part in the blame, if what you said was true about her not wanting to leave my side.”

“I mean we both visited you. I don’t blame you though, like you could have controlled what happened you. Anyways we both took turns suggesting that we visit you. We didn’t start going out until maybe a little over a week and a half or so from when you were out.”

“Well spill the details, it seemed like you were into her. How’d you ask her?”

“It was just during another one of our visits to you, I sat on your right side and she sat on the left. We were just waiting for a sign that you were okay, sometimes if she got there before me, I’d hear her reading to you. But during one visit I kind just blurted out to her that I think I liked her and wanted to see if she wanted to go out with me.”

“And I assume she said yes?”

“She just said fine, then asked what I wanted to do. So later that week we went to see a movie. Nothing else happened after that. But I’m not sure if she enjoyed it or not, like I said it just seemed like her mind was somewhere else.”

Cutting into the conversation Kensuke gave his two cents, “Well Shinji what can you expect, I mean she’s always seemed that way. I think she’s spent most of her time her staring out that window. She just always has something on her mind.”

“Yeah Shinji, don’t think about it too much. If you do, you’ll just drive yourself nuts, and trust me leave that job to the women. It’s the one thing they do best.” Toji said shaking his head in disbelief as the group of girls started to run back up towards the school.

“How would you know about that Toji? I’ve never seen you with a girl on your arm.” I said smugly looking at how red he was turning.

“Ugh, like you’re ever gonna get a side piece Nathan.” He shot back trying to tear me down, just as the bell rung sending us to lunch.

“I could if I was interested, but right now I’m just interested in seeing what’s for lunch. Besides, life is just a bit too complicated to add someone else into the mix.” Taking the long route, I called out to the guys saying I’d see them inside, but as soon as I bought my lunch I snuck up to the roof. With my music drowning out the world I nibbled on edamame with Moose blood to keep me company, watching the clouds drift on by my mind kept trying to figure out what Rei wanted with me.

What could I help her with, she was pretty much better than me at most things. But I guess I could read social situations a little bit better than her and knew what not to mention in front of grown-ups. How much longer till we get out I wondered. A little bit of me just wanted to head on home after and leave Rei to her own devices, after all it looked like she handled things better alone.

She’s not mine, and she   
Never will be  
I’m reminded everyday 

Why did I have to listen to music that would just keep me in whatever funk I was in? The bell came and went, but I wasn’t ready to go back yet. When I finally did make my way back, I just held up my thumb when the teacher asked where I was, not questioning it further I just sat back down. When Shinji asked what had happened to me, I just said that my thumb started to bleed again so I went down to the infirmary to lay down and get it rewrapped.

Lying to the only person who was probably my friend, what are you doing Nathan you ass? I lost count but apparently Kensuke had been keeping track of my weird zoning out spells, and it was only increasing. What is going on with me I kept thinking, finally when the bell rang out, I almost didn’t notice it. It wasn’t until Rei walked up and caught my attention did, I notice people leaving. “So, what do you need help with again. I forget did you tell me?”

“No, I did not tell you. I will tell you when we arrive at my house.” Her calm and collected voice made my racing mind take a few breaths my heart stopped racing and I was able to think coolly, figuring it was just best to go along with her in any attempt to avoid questioning I said alright lead the way and followed her out of the school down to the train.


	2. Meeting at Rei's

I just wish I knew what the train situation was gonna be like, to say it was like a can of sardines was a massive understatement, at that point I think I was more comfortable with Rei staring at me in the shower than when I was standing literally less than a quarter of a foot away from her back which was facing my front.

At every slight stop, turn or nudge from a swaying passenger my heart stopped knowing I had almost bumped into her back. I just hoped my heavy nervous breathing wasn’t bothering her, it wasn’t as heavy as it was uneasy. “At least the train is less crowded today.”

Inching my way from having both sides of my ribs being elbowed I whispered, “This isn’t crowded?” How the hell did people live in a place like this I wondered, at this point all the heat being given off by everyone was making me sweat bullets and I just wanted to rip off my skin and jump right out the train. As the train came to a screech, I gripped the bar over my head as tightly as I could, but my palms were just too sweaty. “This is our st- “

Her words got cut off as I lost my footing and my wet hand slipped making me knock into her back making her fall flat on her face while I landed right on top of her. As the train stopped, I looked up and my burning face told me I was right, everyone around us was mad dogging me and whispering. “If you don’t get off me, we will miss our stop.” I scrambled off of Rei and helped her up, shaking like a wet chihuahua I walked backwards off the train as an old woman yelled something at me, clearly, I was just called a pervert and now could no longer show my face around this part of town.

If what just happened bothered Rei, she clearly didn’t give me any indication that it did, then again Shinji apparently copped a feel on her and she didn’t bring it up until recently. I wondered if that kind of stuff bothered her at all, but I didn’t feel comfortable enough to ask her so I just kept a few paces behind her watching as the streets became empty populated only by buildings in shambles, when we finally arrived at her building I just wondered if the outside of it looked this bad how would the inside look.

I couldn’t help myself, “Wow, this is a state.” Looking around at a sink filled with dirty dishes, piles of soggy mail that was slowly growing some vegetation on it, dirty clothes and bloody bandages scattered all over the floor. The only neat part was a small desk or table that had a few glasses with clear liquid and medicine bottles with pills spread out on it. It just looked like a small windstorm flew in and flung everything she had around.

We slipped off our shoes and while she dropped her school things on her bed, I wandered around looking at what other messes were hidden. Nudging a pile of bloody gauze wraps with my foot I asked her, “Hey, Rei what’s with all the bandages? You get hurt or something?”

She was fiddling with what looked like a small glasses case on her dresser, not even bothering to look at me she said in her mouse voice, “Before you came along, I was testing Unit 00. Unfortunately, I lost control of it and had to be ejected from it. I was injured when my plug collided with the walls of the testing room.”

“And you still pilot the EVA after that?”

“Shinji and I have faced worse, but we still gather the courage to pilot our EVAs due to our personal reasons. I am surprised you haven’t tried to leave after what happened with your EVA. Shinji ran away after the first time.” 

“Don’t really have any other place to go. Besides I only really feel kind of relaxed in the plug.”

She finally turned around and faced me, “Nathan, can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, you know me Rei, I’m pretty much an open book.” You piece of shit, I thought to myself, lying to Shinji even after you told him you lie to your “friends” and other people. Now you’re lying to her, are you just trying to burn your bridges with everyone? What “truth” are you going to tell her?

“Why do you pilot your EVA?”

“Excuse me?”

“Why do you pilot your EVA? Shinji does it to garner praise from those close to him and to feel needed, the second does it to get attention from other people. Why do you do it?”

“Well you didn’t tell me your reason, tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine.” I leaned against the doorway to her bathroom crossing my arms over my chest. Tilting my head, I waited to see what kind of reason she could have, Shinji and Asuka just seemed to be doing it just to feel needed, is that why I did it too? What was my reason for getting inside that thing?

She looked down at her feet for a second, then she looked up at me, no doubt she’s had this conversation with someone else before maybe she was just wondering if her reason changed. “It is my link to everyone, especially to you and Shinji. It is what gives me power to protect those I hold dear. It… makes me feel closer to people. I used to think it was the only thing I had… that if I lost it, I would have nothing. That it would be the same as being dead. But now I know that, my reason for being here is to protect people.”

Taken aback it took me a second to compose myself. “Well that’s better than my answer for getting in that thing. And besides its nothing like being dead, believe me.”

“Well what is your reason?”

I looked away from her, straight at one of the cement walls in her apartment who’s off green color told me there was defiantly fungus among us, “I just do it because… I’m told to. It’s expected of me by now to get in that thing regardless of how I feel. Not only that but, what else would I do? I have no other reason for being here, I guess it’s my sole purpose for being alive, it’s the only reason I’m needed at all. Otherwise why would people want me around? Why would I be needed at all?”

“What is your reason for being then?”

“No reason, I have nothing to live for.”

“So, you do not enjoy piloting the EVA?”

“Do any of us really Rei, I mean. I guess you and Asuka enjoy it. The only thing I like about it is the plug, being in there uncomfortable as it might be is better than everything outside of it. There’s a weird kind of stillness there… like everything is just paused. Helps me forget about everything else.”

“Do you believe it was your destiny to pilot the EVA?”

DESTINY, that one word made me narrow my eyes and a feeling of heat radiated from my chest, but it wasn’t a heat of embarrassment, excitement or arousal. It was the kind of heat that made my temples tighten sending the sensation like I had worms under my skin. It made me want to breathe smoke from my nose and take the being known as destiny and pound its skull against the concrete, sinking my thumbs into its eyes and not stopping until its head was nothing but a lump of cracked bones and hamburger meat.

“I don’t believe in destiny or fate Rei, I think it was just by pure chaotic chance. Just the right dominos fell landing me in this position. I don’t think I ever had a chance at choosing what kind of life I would have wanted to live.”

It looked like she was raising her finger to ask me if I could give her another answer to something else about myself but at the last second, she decided against it. “Is it okay if we continue this conversation another time? I would like to continue it, but I would like to move on to the problem I need your help with.”

I let out a long sigh sniffing I wiped my nose, I just wanted to go home but I promised I’d help her. “Yeah Rei, what was it you wanted help with?”

“You are aware that Shinji and I are dating correct?” 

“Yeah Rei, I know about you two.”

“Then are you aware that Shinji and I have yet to kiss yet?” I had to bite my lip to stop from smiling, I suspected that Shinji was a little gun shy around girls like I wasn’t, he probably talked with them more than me. Probably talked to people more in general too, but did Rei have a problem with stuff like that?

“Uh- no I had no clue that you guys hadn’t kissed.” Oh god please get me out of this place, I’m pretty sure I was able to hide my smile that no doubt showed how uncomfortable I was, but my eyes were a hundred percent popping out of my skull and showing my internal screaming.

“Well this is what I was gonna ask you.”

[don’t ask it]

“You are the only other boy I know that is Shinji’s age.”

[GET ME OUT OF HERE] “I’m actually barely a year older, a juner like him but still older.”

“Oh, but I trust you.”

[I wouldn’t]

“So, it would be correct to assume you have the same desires and feelings as Shinji.”

[don’t be so sure] “Not to be rude Rei, but what is it you want?”

“I would like you to teach me how to kiss.”

[coming here was a mistake] my mind skipped a beat,” W-what?”

“I would like to practice kissing with you, so on my next date with Shinji I will be able to kiss him and make him happy. I’ve overheard girls in the locker room talk about kissing their boyfriends and the techniques they’ve utilized. I would like to practice so I can please Shinji.”

[god rei I like you but it’s like you were born on a different planet] Sucking air though my teeth I looked at her, subtly shuffling to the door. “Yeah Rei… I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because Rei, you shouldn’t just kiss people for practice, especially when you’re already in a relationship with someone. I mean if Shinji found… imagine how bad it would hurt him if he ever found out. Besides you should only kiss people you care about.”

“But don’t you care about me? I care about your well-being. Does that not mean I care for you? I remember how scared you were when you thought you were going to die, I stayed with you, and made sure you were safe.”

“I mean, I do care about you, but it’s in a different way.” I stammered trying to cover up my words.

“So, if we both care for each other then there should be no problem if we kiss.”

“No Rei however you try to put it it’s still cheating on Shinji. Besides who would want to practice with me, I’ve never kissed any girls. So, I have no experience to offer.”

“Please Nathan, I have no one else to ask. The second already mocks me to the other girls, she has done nothing else in the locker rooms but insult my relationship with Shinji.”

She looked away walking to her bed she sat down taking a finger she rubbed at her eyes, [was I really going to do this? What kind of friend am I?] I let out a long sigh, figuring that I’d rather have Shinji upset with me than stand here and watch her cry I gave her the answer that she wanted to hear. “Fine Rei… I’ll help you.”

[is this a good idea? Why are you doing this? Why are you hurting your friend? Do you want to help her or yourself? You’re a piece of crap.]

“Are you sure?”

I walked over hands in my pockets sitting about a foot away from her on the bed, “Can we just get this done?”

After settling my nerves and reassuring her that I was okay with it, we leaned in forward for the first-time bumping foreheads and noses. “Okay you stay still, and I’ll move in. And close your eyes.”

Nodding softly, she relaxed her face and I leaned in tilting my head to the right I made contact and lightly kissed her and the while the single thought of how’s my breath ran in circles around my mind. Scooting closer to her I played with our lip placement, who’s upper lip was on top and how leaning more into it or out it felt. How tiling our heads more one way or another could work, she let out a soft moan and it was jarring. But I still went on.

[you ass, you’re enjoying this? You’re okay with hurting one friend and taking advantage of some poor girl? She’s just naïve, you know better and you’re doing this? You felt guilty and low just thinking about it, but you still did it. Do you feel guilty now? People like you don’t deserve air]

My hands rubbed against my thighs and my chest burned for air but then I felt something wet and soft breach into my mouth. “Woah!” pulling back I wiped the wetness around my mouth with my wrist. “Was that your tongue Rei?”

“It’s called French kissing… some of the girls in the changing room were talking about it. Their boyfriends seem to enjoy doing it. I figured I should practice that too.”

Gripping my knees hard and leaning forward trying to catch my breath I said, “Yeah, that seems a little advanced. I think you should just focus on the basics for now.”

[now you’re giving her advice!?]

“Sounds fair enough shall we continue?”

[no tell her no and go home]

“I guess… until you feel comfortable enough.” [die you waste of space]

We picked up where we left off, I lost track of time. I should have felt bad, but I didn’t, I felt happy and relaxed. I leaned in closer our chests almost bumped into one another’s. Was I really doing this, [you selfish piece of shit, you’d really hurt your friends for a moment of happiness, you narcissistic bastard. You don’t deserve to be happy] My hands shifted from my lap to finding their ways to her bed gripping the sheets and mattress.

My hand found one of hers and gripped it tightly, [how far are you willing to go?]

Her knees bumped into mine, our breathing became heavier, hotter and more unified. She moaned a little I gave a small one in return, my eyes opened, and I peeled back just a bit but I didn’t break off the kiss, [now you’re having second thoughts? Just now you’re feeling bad?]

But then she lifted her hand up to my right temple and began to stroke my hair, her finger waving through and lightly gripping my locks her hand slowly released and her fingers caressed my cheek down to my chin. Feeling her way to my chest I pulled away and pushing her back I felt myself shaking falling off the bed I stared back up at her with her confused face, “What’s wrong?”

“I should go.” [you should have never come to japan, you should have never been born, so that’s what made you finally stop was it her enjoying it? Or how close you felt her getting to you?]

I snatched up my bag and tossed it over my shoulder, I didn’t bother to put on my shoes I just snatched them up and ran out, I hopped down the stairs pulling them on and when I heard her door open up and her heels clicking after me I booked it and ran. I didn’t stop until I made it home, I just slammed the door and slowly slid down it.

[you don’t feel nearly as bad as you should]


	3. thoughts in the bath

I looked up to my counter, and I saw sacks of grocery bags and other boxes, fresh food [or at least microwaveable and frozen foods], more cutlery and dishes, a few new appliances, a new toaster stood out the most. Bright and silver there was a small yellow sticky note attached to it.

HEY NATHAN, I HAD SHINJI STOP BY TO DROP OFF SOME GOODIES FOR YOU, GUESS YOU WEREN’T HERE. HOPE YOU LIKE THEM, YOU SEEMED TO BE MISSING A LOT OF STUFF, PLEASE TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF. DON’T BE AFRIAD TO ASK US FOR HELP.  
-LOVE MISATO

Her signature was all cursive with a little heart over the I.

P.S WE’RE HERE FOR YOU, TRY AND HANGOUT WITH SHINJI, REI AND ASUKA. I’M SURE YOU GUYS WOULD BE FRIENDS FOR LIFE, JUST GIVE THEM A CHANCE. I’M SURE THEY’D LOVE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, WHO KNOWS MAYBE YOU’LL END UP LOVING JAPAN SO MUCH YOU’LL NEVER WANT TO LEAVE

[you don’t deserve these people in your life]  
[they deserve someone better than you]  
[piece of shit]

I put the toaster in its place and packed everything else away. Except for the carton of eggs and everything else that looked like breakfast food, I just shoved it all in a trash bag, not wanting to take it all the way to the trash bin I just dropped it down the stairwell, it’s not like anyone else lived here anyways.

Filling up the tub with the hottest water I could pump out I stripped down, put on some tunes and got in. Every part of my body except for my nose sank beneath the water, the hot water turned my skin a light pink, relaxing all my muscles I had my eyes closed focusing on the muffled sounds that reverbed against the water. My hair swayed and danced in the water… tiny air bubbles drifted upwards. I opened my eyes slightly taking in everything as if it were my last chance to.

[ how are you going to sleep with yourself tonight?]

JT woodruff’s voice screamed through the air at me but was instantly muffled by the still water, but I still could make out what he was saying to me.

I HATE MY JOB AND I HATE MY LIFE I HATE EVERY FUCKING THING IN THIS WORLD!  
I SWEAR GOD IF I HAD A KNIFE, I’D CUT OUT MY HEART OUT AND GIVE IT TO HER!

I just laid there like a body on the autopsy table while he screamed at me, I was so still that I didn’t even notice that the song was already over and another one took its place then another then another.

Jesse lacy gave his two cents about me.

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand  
…  
And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again   
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am

The last thing I heard before I completely submerged myself under the water was the soft voice of Trent Reznor exploding with emotion before composing himself.

I WILL LET YOU DOWN, I WILL MAKE YOU HURT   
If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself

I sank my stomach down into me, letting the last of the air in my lungs out, then I gasped quickly sucking as much water as I could into my throat. I felt it funnel down my windpipe trickling down into my lungs, I began to gag and cough, my chest tightened up my jaw locked in place as I sucked more water down between the little coughs that were trying to keep me alive. I began to thrash around, but I fought to keep my underneath, the sound of splashing water and the hollow thunks of my body hitting the porcelain tub drowned out whatever song had started to play.

The heels of my feet slid across the bottom slamming underneath the faucet trying to find a foothold.

My throat was burning red and raw, my stomach felt heavier but eventually I couldn’t stand it I shot up from the water my hair dripping wet and I rolled over the edge of the tub vomiting up water and saliva. I kept punching myself in the stomach trying to force anything else out as it slowly dripped out of my mouth and nose, shuddering I pulled a towel over me and went into the fetal position. Once I stopped coughing, I realized the phone was ringing, crawling over like a slug I pulled it out of my pants.

Why I kept forgetting it in there was beyond me. Looking at the screen I saw that it was Shinji calling me, great. Drying my head off I hit accept and held it to my ear, I managed to croak out, “Hello?”

“Um- Hey Nathan. What’s going on, you okay you sound a little weird.”

“Oh, yeah I’m fine. Just drank some tea that was a little too hot. Kind of cooked the inside of my throat. Uh- what do you need?” I swallowed trying to remoisten my throat every little bit of air that found its way in was like breathing in glass.

“Well Misato was gonna head out, something about having to work late today. I just wanted to know if you wanted to come over and hang with me, Toji and Kensuke? We could order in and watch some movies and stuff.”

I let out a long sigh, “Yeah, Shinji I would but- I kind of have some stuff going on. Maybe some other time. Sorry.”  
[Are you actually sorry you dick? He just wants to be your friend and already you’re ghosting him it’s not enough that you made out with his girlfriend, you should have just drowned in that tub]

‘’Oh… okay. Maybe next weekend?”

“Yeah that could work better… well Shinji I got some stuff to deal with. I’ll call you later or I guess I’ll see you at the next synch test.”

“Wait, Nathan can I ask your help with something?”

“Sure whatever.”

“I guess you know that my next date with Rei is coming up right?”

“Yeah I know.”

“Well I-I don’t know what to do. The last two dates we had we just went to the movies and had a tea shop date. And I really want to give her an amazing third date that she’d never forget, it’s just. I don’t know how… and there’re times I want to tell her something, but I just can’t find the words. It’s like I’m gonna burst, I was wondering- “

Letting out a sigh I cut him off, “Are you asking me if I would follow you and Rei on your date and feed you lines and what to do?”

“No, I was just gonna ask for your advice on some stuff but that sounds better. You don’t mind doing that do you?”

Fuck me, I thought. “No, I’d be fine with it. Anything to help a friend out.”

“Cool! I owe you one for sure, but hey don’t forget next week you’re staying the night, right?”

“Yeah sure… bye Shinji.”

“Thanks, hey I’m serious you’re… you’re a good friend.”

I clicked the phone off wrapping the towel around my waist I looked into the mirror see a pair of blood shot dark brown eyes with bags under them staring at me. [when are you just going to check out?]

Getting dressed for bed I heated something up, no idea what it was. I couldn’t even taste it, the minutes seemed to creep on by after that, just as I was about to crawl on my mat and wait until I fell asleep my phone rang again, who could be calling me now? Looking at it I saw that it was Rei, part of me just wanted to let it ring until it went to voicemail. But against my better judgement I answered it.

I heard nothing for the first few seconds, “Um- Rei? You there?”

“Hi Nathan.”

“Hey, uh- what’d you want?”

“Why did you run away?”

“Rei what we did was wrong, I- I just felt bad, I didn’t like having your hand on my chest. I’m sorry if I hurt you, but we shouldn’t have done that.”

“You are right, I don’t want to hurt Shinji. But I don’t know if I should tell him, he might feel anger towards me, and I don’t want to experience that pain. I don’t want him to leave me.”

“I think its best Rei if we just forget about it, let’s just not bring it up.”

“Oh, okay. Is this our secret?”

“Yeah I guess… was there anything else?”

“Why are you afraid of death?”

That question hit me like a train, I told her I was scared to die. I just never gave her the reason, why did she care? Why did she want to know?

“I don’t know… this is all I know, I guess. I’m just scared of what comes next if anything, this is all I know. Being stuck inside my body, its senses telling me about my surroundings. My memories and experiences, I just can’t imagine what it’d be like to not be in it any longer… to be nothing. I just think it’s hard to imagine what nothingness feels like, even if it’s where we came from.”

“So, you do not wish to surrender your consciousness?”

“If that’s your way of asking if I don’t want to die Rei, then yeah. I’d rather not, even though I probably have the shortest shelf life out of all four of us. But then again, with my rotten luck I’ll probably live to be a hundred or something. Just end up outliving everyone I care about or live to a point to where I’d be more machine than person.”

“Even with the pain or uncomfortableness you experience?”

“What?”

“I’ve seen you from afar, it seems like you are uncomfortable with being alive. You seem uneasy around others. You listen to sad music and try to avoid interacting with the world around you. Wouldn’t it be better to just cease to be than to continue living in pain?”

I didn’t know how to respond to her but, there was some tiny flutter in her voice. Was she sad for me? No, it wasn’t that… was she going through something similar, had she gone through something like me? “Maybe… bye Rei.”

I clicked disconnect before I could hear her answer, I sprawled out on my futon, with my eyes glued to the ceiling seeing the oranges and yellows turn to shades of pinks, violets and blue inch by inch until just blackness remained. I rolled over trying to close my eyes, by nothing what I did I couldn’t fall asleep, figuring I had nothing better to do I got up and got my MP3. 

I switched on the TV for the first time, I wasn’t even hearing whatever sounds where coming out of the TV. I was just watching the flickering pictures, not finding anything I liked immediately I decided to get off my bed and get some tea going. While walking to the kitchen and inside it not even facing the TV, I kept clicking the remote skipping to random channels I’d probably never see again. Pulling out my tea kettle and a box of extra caffeinated green tea, I rubbed the growing circles under my eyes.

I just wanted to go to sleep, I felt like my brain was an egg being hard fried with every passing second, I felt a small wave of electricity buzzing under my scalp before it died out leaving me slouching forward and snapping my head back. I figured might as well drink until the sun came up. Did I even want to go to sleep? Staying up and do nothing but taking in as much caffeine as possible seemed like a better idea than trying to sleep.

I almost didn’t even notice that my right index finger was basically resting on the stove top cooking, pulling it away once the heat started to eat at my nail I saw how bad it was, melted skin around bright pinkish red flesh that was already started to bubble and sizzle sending little bits of juice and pus all around it. The top layer was already starting to try and heal itself whatever was coming out was trying to create bubbly layer over it. 

I just stared down at it and dug my thumb nail into it scraping off the top letting the cold air touch it, I reached for a cup to fill with ice while I waited for the kettle to start whistling. I was still clicking the remote, trying to find something to watch.


	4. Shinji's side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their conversation Shinji begins to wonder about how his "friend" is doing

“You’re a good friend.” There wasn’t anything else, just his soft raw breathing. Was he sick? Then the call dropped, “Hmmm, I hope he’s okay.”

“Nathan not coming?” Toji asked looking up from the couch where he was all stretched out, Kensuke lay on the floor near him a bowl of popcorn in his lap. From the kitchen Shinji could see tons of brightly colored reese's pieces candies littered all inside the bowl. Shinji just shook his head slowly while walking over and flopping into a chair near them, “Huh, that’s one weird guy. Not going after the chicks that are interested in him, not hanging out with the coolest guys in this town and he doesn’t really seem to be jazzed about being an EVA pilot. I just can’t get a read on that guy.”

“Well you heard him Toji.” Kensuke swallowed a mouthful of popcorn, “He doesn’t really pay much attention to the ladies. Maybe he just has really high standards or doesn’t care if he gets a girl or not.” Shrugging he returned his attention to the tv.

“I still think it’s weird how he hardly hangs out with us though. I mean… we’re his friends, aren’t we? Or the closest things he has to friends, right?”

“Can’t really judge him too harshly Toji, I was pretty much alone most of the time before we became friends. Now I just hang out with you guys.”

“And Ayanami!” Kensuke said wiggling his eyebrows at him, Shinji let out a light laugh before tossing a pillow at his head, “Shut up Kensuke.” But once he caught his breath his face grew serious again. “I mean I think we’re his friends, the only other person he seems to talk to is Rei, and I don’t think he really cares for Asuka.”

“Shinji! Where’s Ms. Misato!” A sharp yell came from down the hall, “Ugh, speak of the devil.” Toji groaned.

And on cue Asuka stomped down the hall, crossing her arms and looming over Shinji when she finally came upon him. “Oh, she didn’t tell you. Ms. Misato’s gonna have to work late tonight. But she left us some money for takeout or something.”

“So, you didn’t even bother to cook something for me?!”

“There’s not even enough food left here to make sure everyone has some Asuka. This is the next best thing.”

“Great all because this idiot had to invite his two idiot friends over, I’m denied a homecooked meal!” she flicked the center of Shinji’s forehead leaving a small red mark, “Hey leave him alone you ice queen.” Toji stood up and stared down Asuka.

She shot him a dirty glance and then said, “Whatever you guys aren’t worth my time. Now get your butt out there and go fetch us some dinner Shinji. Don’t bother coming back home until you do!”

She went back to her room and slammed the door only for it to pop back open and slide slightly, then she slid it more softly and closed it. “Smooth.” Kensuke muttered as he set the popcorn aside, Pen pen who had been eyeing it up to this point waited for Kensuke’s guard to be let down. Then he let out a small victory squawk grabbing the bowl he ran off back to his fridge and went in, the muffled sound of a tv soon could be heard through the fridge. 

“Might as well go get some real dinner now.” Kensuke stood up brushing crumbs off his pants and straightened his glasses, “Well anyone got any ideas? I’m up for anything.” Shinji said as checked his wallet for Misato’s cash. “What about some Barbeque?” Toji asked.

Pretty soon the trio found themselves walking down a lit up street near the center of the city, whenever Fridays came around little shops and pop up restaurants would line up and down the roads giving everyone a taste of all the local treats. Though as he tried to get distracted by the bright lights, sounds of music and smells of cooked food Shinji couldn’t settle his mind. He was instinctively looking around him, hoping this wouldn’t play out like it did at the ramen shop.

“Hey Shinji, what’s on your mind now?” Kensuke asked, while Toji walked around following his nose in search of the perfect Barbeque vendor.

“Oh, it’s nothing. Just… knowing Nathan I wouldn’t be surprised if he was walking around here somewhere. He was at that Ramen shop his first night here, he saw us, but he just chose to leave and go home.”

“Yeah I remember you telling us that. He ever give you a reason for doing that in the first place?”

“Yeah, but it seemed like a little bit of a selfish reason. Maybe it made sense for him, but I didn’t get it. I’m not sure if he’s ever gonna get used to it here. He said something about how he was just here for a job and he’ll be gone as soon as it’s done, why would he bother making friends if he was just gonna leave them.”

“Maybe Toji is right, he does seem a little on the weirder side.”

“Yeah, maybe he’s a bit off. The night when I slept at his place at NERV he was saying a lot of weird stuff.”

“What kind of weird stuff?”

“The kind of weird stuff that if someone heard you saying it, they’d lock you up with a shrink.”

“You know… you guys at NERV might want to keep an eye on him. I don’t think it’s healthy for him to do that whole zoning out thing he seems to be doing now. Geez, how bad did being in that EVA mess him up?”

“No idea. He never talks unless he has too. I’m kind of worried for him Kensuke.”

But before Kensuke could give Shinji any words of reassurance Toji stumbled back into them with two skewers of barbequed meat dripping with sauce. “Oh my god guys! I just found the best barbeque place, we’ve gotta get dinner from there.”

“Leave it to Toji to divert the conversation to being about food. Fine I’m starving anyways let’s just get dinner and head on back to your place.”

Grabbing brown bags filled with leaking boxes that were slowly leaking out a cocktail of meat juice and barbeque sauce the boys walked home away from the center of life. Shinji was staring at the ground while he walked, his mind was a hurricane of thoughts between his upcoming date with Rei, what would happen when the next angel came and his new friend and whatever was going through his head.

As soon as the trio walked through the door Asuka was already there to “greet” them and by that she just snatched away a bag of food and stomped back to her room. ‘Wow, not so much as a thank you.” Toji said flopping down clicking the tv back on.

“You know if she worked on her personality, she might just be nice enough to be around.” Kensuke added.

“That’ll be a cold day in hell.” Toji laughed, “Now c’mon guys what are we watching?”


	5. NERV

“You can’t be serious! You expect us to get-. To be- “ 

“I’m sorry Asuka but we need to test your synch rates without the plug suits this time. We just need to make sure you can still synch up without them.”

“Of course, we can Misato but why do all four of us have to do it at the same time. You can’t trust that those two perverts won’t look at me!”

Inside the clear glass tube with the single metal piece that went over my crotch hiding it from the world I leaned against the side of it and groaned letting out a long sigh, “Don’t flatter yourself Asuka the day I start to have eyes for you is the day I gouge them out.”

Someone let out an uncomfortable snicker at that, maybe they was just confusing my annoyance for friendly sarcasm, “Shut up Nathan! I’ve seen the way you look at people. You probably undress everyone you look at!”

“What with the dead blank 1,000-yard stare I’ve been rocking my whole life? Flatter yourself all you want it ain’t gonna happen.”

“Guys can we please just get on with today?” Shinji groaned lightly bumping his head against the glass in front of his face, Rei just stood there in hers silently waiting for whatever was next. I let out a yawn and looked down at my finger, eyeing the blister that nearly took up the whole thing. Squinting down at it I drowned out whatever Misato said as the tube disinfected us again, wondering how no one noticed it. Snapping back to reality I heard her give reassurance to Asuka that nobody in the control room would be watching us and that we were to follow her orders.

Going through with-it Shinji and I were the last two to leave the disinfecting chambers with our eyes shut under threat of death by Asuka. Finally, inside the plug I could relax whatever weight that was on my chest was gone I was able to breathe again. Why was I so relaxed inside the tube but not the EVA? What was wrong with me, what was it about that stupid robot that made me so uncomfortable?

“Alright everybody just relax we’re about to get started. Clear your minds this time were going to lower the graph depth on all the plugs were going to push the limit and see how far all of you guys can go.”

“Roger ma’am” Rei said quickly.

“Fine by me, I bet I get the highest rate.” Asuka said smugly

“Are you sure about this Misato? I mean I don’t think we’ve done anything like this before.”

“Yes, I’m sure Shinji. Like we’d let anything happen to you kids.”

I fought the brooding pensive look on my face I felt forming I knew they had cameras in these things I just didn’t want them to see my face and try to talk with me, [sure that’s what they say now]. I looked back at my finger bringing it closer to my face putting pressure on it with my thumb feeling all the pus or fluid buildup under it moving back and forth.

“Nathan. Nathan!”

“Um- sorry what’s up?”

“I was calling for you for like a minute you okay?”

“Yeah Misato. Everything’s fine.”

“So, you have no problem with going through this?”

“Like we have a choice. No use in arguing if it’s gonna be done one way or another.”

“Geez you need to get your head examined Nathan. How do you miss your name being called that many times? And god are you a sad sack.”

“Guess I had my mind somewhere else Asuka.”

“Well get your mind focused in the moment now, synching requires that you concentrate on this. Now initiate.”

I closed my eyes sinking back into my chair letting out a breath, opening them I watched the air bubbles float out of my mouth and towards the top like little jellyfish as my chair lowered deeper into the plug. “Okay great numbers all around so far guys, Asuka high numbers as always. Nice Shinji it looks like you’re at least 8 points higher than last time.”

Running down the gauntlet of saying compliments on how the rest of the crew had improved my heart raced at the thought of what she would say when it was my turn to be evaluated. “And Nathan, nice it looks like you’re not jumping around anymore. Just a slight fluctuation, not as dramatic as the last time. But everything looks good, you know what we might be able to end this early today, maybe I’ll treat you guys to dinner. Sound good guys?”

“Yeah that sounds great Misato.” Shinji said a strange pip in his voice, “Just as long as we get to pick where we eat.” Asuka said, not surprising me in the least.   
“If that is what you wish then I will join you as well.” Wow, I was a little surprised Rei was taking her up on her offer, she was probably just going because that’s where Shinji would be. “Well three out of four. How about you Nathan? Care to join us?”

I swallowed a small lump in my throat, even though I couldn’t see them I felt everyone’s eyes on me it felt like tiny holes were being burned into my chest. “Thanks, but no thanks. I have stuff to do, lots of things to catch up on. Besides I already planned out my Saturday night.”

“Well care to tell us what a Saturday night in the glorious life of Nathan would look like, what do you even do besides spend the night alone?” Asuka snickered out. “Not much.” I replied flatly.

“God you’re pathetic.” She let out with a huff.

Before anyone else could speak up there was an alarm that cut over the comms, “Alert! We’ve detected an angel just off the coast. What’s the status of the pilots?”

“Well guys dinner’s cancelled!”

“Oh, man I was looking forward to eating some decent food for once.” Asuka whined, “Another time but now focus guys. Eject the pilots from the testing plugs and get them in their suits and ready for combat.”

A surge of adrenaline went through me, wow I’d rather fight an angel than spend an evening with these people. What does that say about me I wondered feeling my connection be cut off and the plug swiftly being pulled out. When we were pulled out there wasn’t much time for modesty, already they had sent someone with our plug suits and headsets. Everyone just looked at the ground as we fumbled on our suits clicking the wrists.

“What do you think this one’ll look like?” Shinji asked as he put his headset on and began a light jog towards the exit, “What does it matter? At the end of the day it’s just gonna be a giant puddle of angel blood. That’s all that matters.” Curt as always Asuka flung her hair back and began running as she put on her headset leading the way, I was the last one to leave Rei went ahead trying to catch up with Shinji before the two of them took off running.

Straightening my glasses and headset I wondered what my EVA would look like now after being repaired, I wondered what would be different about this time. Figuring I was just putting off the inevitable I looked back at the testing plugs, sucking in a breath I took off running behind everyone else.

As I was flying towards the surface, I thought about what Ritsuko had said they had done to the EVA. Reinforced armor, stronger connection at the joints and since I failed at close quarters combat last time, they added retractable claws in each hand. I just hoped whatever new features they had given it would be enough to keep my alive.

Our rocket ride to the surface finally stopped and we emerged out near the waterfront, the J- Defense force was already busy trying to “engage” the angel. “You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s what it looks like? And they can’t even take it down, god the J-defense force is useless.”

Asuka was sharing her opinions whether we liked it or not, and to be honest the angel this time around did look ridiculous. How were they not able to stop what looked like a giant oversized dippy bird with wire thin legs and a weird body and joints that looked like wire frames of three-dimensional shapes with another stupid bird head. 

“Well hopefully this guy is a pushover look it’s not even attacking all those naval ships.” Shinji laughed out sheepishly, “Yes but it is not reacting to being attacked either.” Rei was right, it was still walking above the water’s surface each step sending out a small ping as it connected not a care in the world was on its face. If it could even express emotions.

“Focus guys, we can’t underestimate it just because it looks silly. We don’t even know what kind of attack this thing uses. Now get into position, Rei and Asuka the two of you will be on support with the rifles. Shinji and Nathan the two of you with go in and attempt hand to hand combat. If things look dicey retreat and Rei and Asuka will finish it off with the rifles.”

“Sounds good to me Misato.”

“I’d rather be fighting that thing up close and personal but fine if this lands me a dinner, I’ll do whatever.”

“Understood ma’am.”

“Nathan… how does that sound to you?”

I squinted looking out at the angel, the core or some other large glowing red ball right underneath it’s head in a small wire box. “I got a weird feeling about this Misato… aren’t the cores usually hidden or well protected. Why’s this one got it out in the open right under its head like that?”

“Who knows just focus on the mission idiot!” Asuka barked, then in response the battle went still for a moment as the angel was covered up in a volley of smoke and fireballs for a moment it looked like they had won. But the angel kept sauntering on, then it stood still its’ head eyeballing each ship then its head swinging in place suddenly across the whole battlefield water shot up into the air.

Then in a flash of red several giant red crosses that seemed to almost tower over the EVAS popped up from the centers of each ship cracking it in half before exploding sending the water into a fury as chunks of metal and tiny figures rained down on it. “Alright, well I can say for one I sure as hell didn’t expect to see that.” I said coolly watching the last fragments of the ships explode as the Angel resumed its course towards us.

“Geez how are we supposed to take on something like that?” Shinji asked his EVA bending its knees as if it were getting ready to run.

“None of this changes the plan, Rei, Asuka fire at will. Distract the angel while Shinji and Nathan go in.”

“Don’t bother running in boys by the time the two of you’ll get there I’ll already have another dead angel under my belt.”

Shinji let out a long sigh, “Why do you have to make everything a competition Asuka. Whatever Nathan you ready to run.”

“Was born ready.”

“Too bad you weren’t born to be a pilot Nathan, unlike some of us!” I ignored Asuka’s taunts and ran out of the launch system tube sprinting as fast as I could pulling my glaive out I hit one button a quick shink let me know the blade had shot out of the handle and was in place, looking to my left I saw Shinji a few paces ahead of me he already had his prog knife engaged. The thudding of the EVA’s feet rumbled the plug, but I kept pushing forward I could almost feel the muscles in my legs and arms tense up and release almost as if they were the ones that were slapping against the earth launching me forward.

Blakaka, blakaka, blakaka, blakaka, blakaka, blakaka, blakaka

The shots from the two rifles rang out I swear I could hear the train sized casings hit the floor, but I had to focus, I couldn’t screw up this time. Too much was counting on this, I needed to redeem myself if only to shut up Asuka. Around the angel’s head small explosions popped up as Rei and Asuka tried to shoot the core but so far, they were having no luck. “Nathan you go high and I’ll go low. You’ve got the longer blade.”

“Fine by me Shinji, let’s just get this done. I’ve got stuff to do.”

“Wow biggest lie if I’ve ever heard one. Damn it why can’t I hit it?”

“Perhaps there is a small AT field activated that is surrounding the core. Can you see it Shinji?”

“No, I can’t… no wait there yeah. It’s small but it’s there. Alright Nathan I’ll try and cut its legs down you go for the core!”

Not bothering to reply I held the glaive behind my back tensing my legs up and jumped just as it made landfall the angel directed its attention towards me the bullets no longer fazing it. I swung my glaive slashing at its legs while Shinji was swinging his Prog knife trying to cripple its stick legs. But with each swing the knife would just bounce back off like it was hitting an invisible wall.

My blade was not having much luck, whenever it did manage to get through the AT field it would just barely cut the angel, sending small splashes of blood flying through the air. I landed back down to earth before I could do any significant damage, “Damn, this isn’t gonna work Shinji we need another plan.”

“Alright lets pull back and grab some rockets or rifles something that can pack a bigger punch.” We turned around and started to run back but just as we did the ground beneath us exploded almost consuming us as giant red crosses sent us flying into the air severing the umbilical cables an alert flashed in front of my face saying we only had 5 minutes until the power ran out. “Damn it. Alright you two run back to Rei and Asuka we’re sending two back up cables. Send up two rockets right now on the double, this thing’s not going down so easily huh?”

Once we were a little under half way two silver building sized blocks popped up and slid open one revealing two power cables and the other one gave us two rockets that Asuka immediately grabbed the two for herself holding them tight underneath her armpits she leaned back and hip fired them at the angel’s face sending a large fireball that engulfed it and for a split second we could make out a pool of blood in the sky.

“Nothing to it, next time there’s another angel just send me to handle it by myself Misato.” Asuka threw down the two launchers at her feet crossing her arms over her chest, “I didn’t even break a sweat.”

Shinji just let out a sigh as he reached around his back and hooked up the cord charging his EVA, I did the same. But just as I was wondering what was I gonna do next I heard Misato scream over the coms, “Guys look out behind you!”

Flipping around only catching the last split second of it I saw that the angel’s wire frame body that had fallen apart just reformed itself right in front of my eyes taking on a weird flipped U shape but that didn’t stop it, right on top a new core formed and out from it shot a red laser slamming into the earth it sent bits of concrete flying in the air. Burning away any signs of life I flipped rolling out the way the others jumped back flipping over themselves.

That might have been the smarter idea because next thing I knew I felt a searing hot pain on my spine and that same stupid alert flashed in front of my face another cable had been severed. “Damn it why won’t this thing die?!”

“Damn, this bastard’s tougher than we thought. Abandoned the plan guys, get back in the tube system on the double, we’re going with plan B.”

“Plan B? What’s plan B?” Shinji asked frantically hopping back to his spot, “We’re gonna detonate an N2 mine right over it.”

“An N2 mine you can’t be serious? We’re too close to the city, besides we can get this done we just need more time Misato!”

“No arguing Asuka, I’m in charge what I say goes. We need to prioritize your safety and the EVAs. Get in the tubes now!”

“Fine! But this is a huge mistake.”

I just stood there eyeballing the Angel as it continued its slow walk, sending that same high-pitched ringing noise with each step. It swung its headless body towards the side of a mountain and then the massive core started to glow red then it sent a massive cone of light and in an instant the side of the mountain was completely vaporized turning it into a smoldering heap.

“Nathan! Wake up we’re leaving.”

I turned and face the others.

3.2 minutes left.

“No, I’m staying I have a plan.”

“You can’t be serious you idiot! That thing is too tall and strong now.”

“Asuka’s right Nathan lets pull out, we can’t stop it now?”

“That’s bull shit! If you guys are gonna leave, leave then. I’ll handle this thing on my own.”

“Misato do something about the moron. He’s just trying to get us all killed.”

“Wait what is your plan Nathan?”

“I can’t tell you just yet Misato you just need to trust me.”

“God! Like you trust us, you won’t even go out to eat with us. Besides you always dodge Shinji’s plans someone who’s supposed to be your friend. How are we supposed to trust you?”

“Damn it you’re impossible Asuka. Fine you want out then stay out.” 2.4 minutes left. “What do you need from me Nathan?” Rei… her voice brought some level of calm to me.

“Alright, Shinji start running at that thing. Rei use whatever ammo you have left to try and punch a hole in the AT field.”

“Run at it? Are you crazy?”

“Shinji trust me.” 2 minutes. “Fine, but this thing better pay off.”

I took off running away from the fight, Rei had already begun her duty. She was grabbing all the dropped guns emptying out whatever was left in them, Shinji had started his mad dash towards the Angel. 1.7 minutes, I continued running trying to get a good enough start. “Hmph, look at him the coward running away.”

After I heard Asuka’s words I leaned all the way back my butt touching the ground and my heels sliding across the street tearing up the road twisting my hips around I got in a runners’ stance my knees and the balls of my feet were the only things touching the ground. 1.5 minutes.

Then I felt a strange sensation like bones popping out and curbing from the tips of my fingers looking down at my EVAs’ hands I saw black curved pieces of metal slowly coming out of where fingernails should have been. Digging into the ground I racked back pulling myself forward taking long strides keeping my heels off the ground I propelled myself further and further with each step. Flexing my hands, I popped the claws out more.

“Alright you bastard let’s do this. Shinji get ready!” 1.15, I ran faster and faster pushing my body to its limits. God, I hope this works, [even if it doesn’t, they won’t care once you’re dead. They’ll just drop the N2 and replace you with someone whose at least half competent.]

1.7 minutes. I was gaining momentum now, I was almost at Shinji’s heels, “Alright Shinji! I’m gonna jump on your shoulders. When I do jump up and push me into the air.”

“I hope I know what you’re doing Nathan!” I let out a single breath and then I jumped up and just like I told him to, Shinji jumped at the exact same time just as I landed on his shoulders launching himself into the air he grabbed ahold of my feet. And threw me up, rolling into a ball I soared over the top of the Angel and unraveled myself. “You only have less than a minute Nathan!” Misato shouted, reaching out my left arm I slammed it against the giant red ball slamming into the AT field.

But before it could bounce my hand away I sunk my claws into it digging as deep as I could, the AT field began to glow a brighter orange and with more intensity it tried to push me away like it knew that it’s end was coming and it didn’t want the light to go off.

Wrapping my legs around whatever part of it I could I used my right hand and sunk it next to my left and began to slowly peel apart the AT field. “Half a minute!”

“C’mon Nathan!”

I let out a scream as I felt hotness radiating into my hands like they were burning the sensation of having my fingernails being ripped out by pliers almost made me release it but I pressed on tightening the muscles in my neck and jaw feeling nothing but rage in me I ripped the field in half. Digging my way through I plunged my hands into the core, but it was just the outer coating a giant red squishy thing like Jell-O. The real prize was inside, sinking my head in as well I scratched and clawed my way further in, finally seeing it I gripped it in both hands.

Putting all the pressure in my wrists I cracked it slowly then flipping it around I sunk my claws in the very tips slipped in, then I ripped it in half flexing every muscle I had in my arms and chest until my arms were fully stretched out in their opposite directions. Just then the power cut out and I felt the feeling of falling down to earth, at least I did it. I killed an angel, finally I proved why they needed me. The world was cut out, so I didn’t know what anyone was saying ot me, all I remember was the fall to earth and the crash and sound of water swirling around me, then I just passed out from exhaustion. Something just made all my muscles give out and I fell asleep.

I woke up again under a stack of starchy stiff cotton sheets that felt like they had just come out of the dryer but the air surrounding me was like ice, whatever thin gown I was wearing wasn’t doing its job, I could feel millions of goosebumps popping up all over my flesh and the presence or whispers of people. I slowly stirred and opened my eyes, I saw Asuka leaning against the far wall with one leg kicked up playing with some handheld game. “Oh, look the big hero is finally awake.”

[Ugh, I did not miss that mocking voice of hers]

Opening my eyes, a little wider I saw that Misato along with Shinji and Rei were sitting next to my bed. “Hey Misato, he’s waking up! Geez man how many times are you gonna do this to us?”

“Say what?”

“You passed out again while you were piloting the EVA after defeating the angel.” Rei gave her answer as she bookmarked the same brown book she always carried. “Yeah seriously. From what I heard last time you piloted your EVA you fell asleep at the wheel then too. God how are we supposed to count on him if he keeps pulling the sleeping beauty routine?”

“Asuka!” Misato finally spoke up the tone of her voice didn’t match her usual chipper self, I guess that change in tone started Asuka because she immediately looked away from me and instead turned her attention to the floor. “She doesn’t mean anything by it Nathan. We’re just glad that you’re up now. At least you woke up in a better state than when I came by first. Talk about how embarrassing that would have been.”

“Uh- what do you mean Misato?”

She giggled a bit before explaining, “Well before the rest of the gang came up here, I decided to check up on you along with the doctors. And after our checkup of you let’s just say… you weren’t dressed to be social.”

Shifting my weight and sitting upright I rubbed my eyes and ran my hands through my short thick black hair before I fumbled around for my glasses before Shinji tossed them my way. “What are you talking about Misato? Am I ever really social?”

“Well no but if you were just a bit more… there’s no way you’d leave the house. Unless you were really confident in yourself.”

Then like a bolt of lightning it hit me square in the head, my chest and face tightened up and began to burn like fire. I wiggled my hips and legs around and felt unbelievably free, I was no I am-. I let out a sharp yelp as I curled up into a ball yanking the layers of covers and blankets on top of my stomach and waist trying ot cover up every inch of myself.

“Misato! Are you saying that… you… did you…? Did you dress… me up while I was out?!” I finally managed to blurt out my thoughts. Feeling like I wanted to throw up I stared at Misato waiting for her answer.

“Nathan its nothing I haven’t seen before. As a matter of fact, the first time Shinji stayed over with me he flashed me. So, it’s not like you were my first young boy. And don’t worry I was gentle.”

“Misato!” Shinji’s face turned beet red as his embarrassing moment with Misato was released into the world, Asuka burst out laughing sliding down the wall pointing out at Shinji choking out something I couldn’t make out. “Oh my god Misato! Don’t you know how weird and creepy that sounds!?”

Misato stopped her light giggling and as her hand fell away from her mouth and her eyes went wide and then narrow her mouth becoming a small thin line, she turned almost red as Shinji as she realized what she said. Rei kept her arms close at her sides until she rested one hand on Shinji’s back who was busy burying his face into his lap. “At this point now have most of us seen the others naked? I remember you telling me that you saw Asuka by accident as well.” she piped up.

“What you told her you perv?” Asuka screamed out. “Of course, I told her Asuka and it was an accident don’t forget that you were the one who ran out of the shower into the kitchen.”

“Oh my god this can’t get any worse.” I muttered pulling a pillow over my face, “I didn’t know you’d be out there waiting for me. Besides whose seen Nathan besides Misato?”

Rei looked away from her, her eyes shifted to the ground. “Well, well, well the favorite one has a naughty side. Who would’ve guessed?”

“She surprised me after I got out of the shower. I didn’t hear her walk into my apartment it was an accident Asuka.” I spoke out in a muffled voice. Misato cleared her throat getting everyone’s attention, “Well this is an awkward moment, I was hoping for us to get close but not this close. Anyways embarrassing you wasn’t why I brought everyone up her Nathan.”

“Then pray tell why you brought everyone here.”

“The reason was to invite you to our group dinner… call it a congratulations you all survived and killed an angel celebration meal.”

“I’m fine Misato, group dinners aren’t really my thing. Besides in case you haven’t noticed I’m a little underdressed.” I replied hoping she’d get the hint and just drop it without me having to outright say that I didn’t want to go out and eat with them, maybe I did want to go with them but… I don’t know I just felt like things would be better if I were alone. What would we even talk about? This was the only thing we had in common with another, and school was nothing of interest.

“Well at first it was an invitation- “

“Well if it was an invitation then I have the right to refuse it.” I said back.

“But now. It’s an order or a friendly request with force whichever one will make you more comfortable, besides I swung by your apartment and picked up a few things for you. Just a change of clothes and some shower stuff but seeing the state of your apartment now explains a whole lot.”

“Why do I have a feeling that I’m not gonna like what you have to say? So, what is wrong with me by everyone’s standards?” I muttered as I felt a plastic bag bounce off me. 

“Well for one the doctors say that you’re underweight and are slightly malnourished, which I guess is why we could see your ribs. You have high stress levels and some white hairs in that sea of black on your head. You’re suffering from a lack of sleep and it seems that most of your diet is tea. I guess that explains your low cholesterol levels.”

“So other than that, I’m completely fine?” trying to make a joke of my medical laundry list I got no laughs back just awkward silence and a few worried whispers. “You’re more in the middle, physically nothing too bad but who knows for the rest. But getting another look at your apartment I can’t say I’m surprised besides it explains a few things.” The way she said the last part made a small smile grow on her lips.

She didn’t give me a chance to speak up she just rattled down her list of everything that was “wrong” with my living set up, how I had little to no food and what food I did have was take out from restaurants, how there was more tea boxes than anything else. My unmade unchanged bed, the clutter of random things such as water bottles everywhere. The stacks of books and movies resting next to a tv that was gradually getting dimmer and dimmer as the screen slowly died from being left on every second of the day.

The only decently clean room was the bathroom. Jeez the way she was grilling me about my living status you think she was my mother or something. “So, with all that in mind I’m giving you no other choice than to join us for a nice meal, and nothing small either, we’re going to a buffet. Might as well try to stuff as much in you as we can, so shower up and get dressed. Don’t worry I packed all those products of yours.”

She stifled a laugh, “Man oh man did those explain a lot. Especially after everything Kensuke and Toji told me about you.”

I felt a surge of nerves squirm in my body as I pulled away the pillow from my face, [she’d better not say it], “What are you talking about Misato?”

“I just want to you know Nathan that we will love and support you all the same.”

“Tell me what you’re getting at.”

“The fact that you’re gay Nathan. It’s fine, at least we’re getting to know the real you. And no matter who you choose to love we will support you.” Shinji covered his mouth up, but it was clear to me that he was laughing. Asuka just muttered something that from across the room sounded vaguely like, “Knew it.”

Looking at her again I didn’t even notice that she wasn’t wearing her normal school attire, in fact she had on a pale-yellow sundress with white shoes on. Shinji was just wearing an orange polo and shorts, Rei was the only one wearing her normal clothing. I couldn’t control myself any longer, “Okay for the last time! I am not gay! Why does every say and think that?!”

Everyone’s eyes went wide for a second like they had to acknowledge that I could speak above my usual quiet mid to low voice, “Woah! Did not expect this reaction but I thought it was obvious looking at all the evidence.”

“What evidence? What could possibly lead you to thinking that?”

“Well for one you haven’t shown an interest in any girls, there’s all the beauty and bath products. Some of these cost more than most of my products put together! The fabric and material your clothes are made of feel expensive, you seem to blow your money on tea mostly.” 

Taking the reins from Misato, Asuka decided to pile on, “You always look clean shaven or at least have a shadow on your face, your hair has that just got out of bed but spent minutes making it look like that quality. You seem to only hang out and talk with other guys and you own several products all used for the same thing and have loads of bar soaps and therapy bath stuff. The list goes on and on.”

Taking a long shaky breath, I flipped over bring the bulge of bedding over my stomach, “For the last time ever! I am not gay! The reason I don’t go around chasing girls is because most of them are more trouble than their worth and I don’t think being an EVA pilot gives me time to date around. Besides no one’s caught my eye enough yet to make me feel like it’s worth wanting to be with them.”

“And all the bath stuff?” Asuka asked walking forward narrowing her eyes at me.

“I like nice things and I like smelling nice, sue me, just because I care about my hygiene and appearance that makes me gay? Besides I think risking my life for humanity should earns me the right to have nice things.”

“Well maybe… you’re just a metrosexual?” Misato asked shrugging her hands and shoulders at once, “What on earth is a metrosexual?” I asked fumbling for my things seeing that Misato really had packed loads of my stuff.

“Well you fit all the check boxes, you live in the city. Take pride and great care in your appearance maybe even more than some girls, wear somewhat expensive clothing and judging by the stacks of books and movies in your room appreciate the arts.”

“You know what I’m done arguing. If you want me to go out with you guys just drop and forget this entire conversation. And I am not a metrosexual.”

“Deny, deny, deny.” Shinji snickered out as Misato shooed everyone out leaving me alone to hop in the small shower in the hospital room, taking everything out I saw that maybe Misato had a tiny point. Since she brought me my shaving butter, schick razors, goodfellow &co bath products. The several oils I used for my hair and wooden comb, my exfoliating body scrubber and the saltwater spray for my hair.

It didn’t help either that she grabbed my silk boxers. I just sighed and hopped in cranking up the hot water and went through my whole routine and by the time I was done every inch of my body smelt of a mix of bourbon, cedar, kelp and tropical island scents. My face was as smooth and hairless as the day I was born, my hair glistened with coconut and Jamaican black castor oil and was matted like I had just come out of the water.

[dear god they might have a point] I just shoved everything back into its plastic bag, when I stepped out, I was wearing my old usual school clothes the white shirt over a tucked in black T-shirt. Black pants with a black stretch cloth belt that dangled half-way down my leg. Except instead of black shoes Misato had packed my white and black checkered flat bottoms, funny enough they were my chosen going out shoes.

[what kind of person has going out shoes if they hate going out?]

Gauging everyone’s reaction to seeing me fresh out of the shower and fighting the stomach churning, knee rattling feeling of thinking about what thoughts could have been floating around their heads during my shower time I just said flatly and bluntly. “Not… a… single… word.”

“Wow didn’t expect you to get all pampered up for us, don’t worry I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself.” Misato just had to get one last word in, I just narrowed my eyes and grumbled. Following the rest, the group down the halls I saw Asuka return her attention to her small game, “Oh wait!” Shinji fumbled around his pockets until he pulled out my small black MP3. “Here Nathan… I grabbed it when we went to get your key, I just thought you’d might like it when you woke up.”

“Uh- thanks Shinji. I could really use it right now. Good thinking.” I gave a small smile as I delicately took it from him trying to limit my fingers touching his hand as much as possible. He quickly returned a small smile before he took Rei’s hand in his own and the two of them walked following Asuka who followed Misato.

I just stood there for a second letting them get a few feet ahead of me while I plugged in and clicking shuffle, I started walking again wondering where we’d go and eat. I didn’t feel like it, but Misato said I needed too so I guess I had to eat. Honestly, I’d much rather be back in my apartment homework done in less than an hour, take out resting next to my bed. The soft glow and whispers of my TV being drowned out by my music, waiting until a little past 11, 12 or 1 until I finally fell asleep only to wake up around 6.

But I guess this was my night. I just hoped that whatever restaurant we went to had decent teas. Riding the train that overlooked the geofront everyone stood against the railing looking out the glass, seeing the trees and mountains. The lakes and beaches, little rivers and caves. It was a piece of the world we never got to saw, except maybe Misato. Everyone had their noses pressed against the glass, expect me I was just sitting in a chair staring at my player, skipping through song after song.

Not finding one that felt right, I kept at it. In the silence between songs I heard Misato calling out to me, “Amazing huh guys? I can’t help but be impressed every time I see it. What about you Nathan? I don’t think I got your two cents on it.”

Looking back up at the group Rei was still staring out, Misato waited eagerly for me to say something, “Why don’t you guys tell me what you think first.”

“W-well. It’s something for sure. I mean look at it Nathan, we’re seeing a glimpse of the past and future, someday when all this angel stuff is done. We’ll get to enjoy stuff like that out there.” Shinji’s optimism bounced off me, walking over I looked out and got a view of it again. Sure, there was all that nice nature stuff and it looked real, smelt real but none of it was. It was just artificial, just like most of our meat. It was like looking into a snow globe or something.

How could he feel that sensation of awe? [Why can’t you feel that? What’s wrong with you?]

“Well I don’t know about you two idiots, but I think it shows the work of the best minds and people. The fact that we get to see it means that we’re the elite and future of humanity.” Typical Asuka trying to play up something somebody else already did and made.

I let out an exhale and looked to Rei, “What do you think Rei?” She leaned back from the railing and stood upright, “I agree with both of them, it is nice to see what humanity can offer and what the world once looked like.” I looked at her and the rest of everyone, they were still expecting some answer. I tried to come up with something like what they said but the feeling wasn’t there, “I don’t know, I guess I’m not really impressed one way or another. It’s just… too perfect. It’s not real, none of it is.”

Misato grabbed me by my neck collar and dragged me over squishing my face against the glass making me see the glowing blue pyramid and the giant lake or maybe ocean that rested a few miles next to it. 

“What?! How can you say that you’re not impressed by any of this? All of this is nothing short of a miracle, just look at all of it. I hear soon they’re be adding an artificial climate. Think about Nathan you’ll get to see and experience all four seasons before anyone else! How does that not get you out of your funk?” 

“Huh, really? All four seasons… I always wanted to see snow. I’ve only seen it in pictures.” 

“See Nathan? Even the thought of a snow day makes Shinji smile. What’s it gonna take to make you happy the freaking moon?”

“You know the moon’s not all that impressive, Asuka.” I muttered shrugging Misato off walking to the back of the cart, just before I put my earbuds back in, I heard Rei say, “I’ve never seen snow before. I hope they finish it soon, it would be nice to see it… with friends.”

[friends? Was she including me? Were the four of us really friends?]

Misato’s voice was muffled by Brand new’s Jesus Christ, but I could barely make her out saying, “Friends? Never thought I’d hear you say that Rei, I guess if any good’s coming out of this it’s you and Shinji meeting.”

I slumped my head back and closed my eyes letting the rattle of cart drift me off to sleep, but as soon as I was about to nod off, we came to a screeching halt, great another train ride to another elevator then a car ride to some random place. Instead of riding around in her blue speedster Misato borrowed one of the jeeps. At least the wind rushing through my hair felt nice, with the summer heat was blasting down us.

Already Misato had ditched her jacket and Shinji was shaking his polo trying to fan his chest, even Rei and Asuka were occasionally using their hands to fan their faces. Both of them were getting a little red in the face, but I just squinted and leaned further out of the jeep like a dog trying to catch the wind. “Heat doesn’t seem to get to you huh Nathan?” Shinji asked flipping around leaning back.

“No, I’m sweating. It’s just I was living in a desert for my whole life, besides it was a dry heat over there. So, way, way worse.” [even if I was hot it’s not like I’d complain about it.]

Driving around the city for a bit Misato finally found some place she said she knew we would love. We sat alone in a private dining room, the three of them sat on one side of the long table on their knees atop their cushions. I sat alone on the other side, well not so much as sat as stretched out on my left hip. “Not much for sitting on your knees like the rest of us huh?”

“Yeah, sitting like that hurts my shins and knees Misato. And I can’t do the criss cross sitting, hurts my back.”

“Jeez how old are you? God you have more health problems than your average old man!” I brushed off Asuka’s catty remark and turned my attention back to the menu in front of me having a silent panic attack about what I wanted to drink. “You know he does kind of seem like an old man.” Misato joked, I just rolled my eyes and got ready for the waitress.

“Better not have any alcohol if I’m gonna be you guys chauffeur. I’ll just take an orange soda.”

“Make it two.” Shinji said, “Uh- Rei what do you want?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never really had soda… which are good?”

“I mean orange is the best… I think so at least.”

“Fine then, I’ll have an orange soda as well.”

Not bothering to look up Asuka just muttered curtly that she wanted a coke, stifling a yawn I rubbed at my eyes and said I’d just take a black tea, “Ooh good choice we have the best black tea in this town. Hot or cold?”

“Hot please, it’s the only real way to drink tea.”

As soon as she left everyone got back to their conversation about what I didn’t know, I was zoning in and out tapping my foot scratching under my right ear lobe until the flesh was hot and pink. I’m sure it was almost on the verge of bleeding. I was squirming all around I could feel my heart beating in my knees and ears, I think my breathing was getting a bit more erratic. Misato was the one to try and break through to me “So, Nathan you make up your mind yet?”

“Make my mind up about what?”

“Staying in Tokyo?” [God she’s still on this? I think I’d be happier if I just threw a dart at a map and decided to live wherever it landed. Why is she so obsessed with me staying here? They don’t even know me! They just know my name!]

“I don’t know, nothings really holding me down here except the EVA. Besides I’m not sure this place spells home to me yet.”

“God you’re such a downer Nathan do you enjoy anything at all?”

“Well, for one this tea’s pretty good.” Taking a slurp, I tasted the spices getting heavy notes of cinnamon, salted caramel, a touch of honey, clove with notes of vanilla and apple. Maybe just a touch of citrus and flowers. That lady wasn’t lying when she said they had the best tea around.

I just shook my head side to side, taking another sip feeling the caffeine rush taking the weight off my shoulders, even the shaking stopped, and I was able to breathe a bit steadier.

Shinji beat Misato to answering me, “You know, I used to not like it here too Nathan. And once… I almost ran away back to my uncle and aunt’s house. But… things… they got better here. I’m sure you’ll find a reason to stay here.”

“Let’s just focus on taking care of the angels for now, then I can worry about going or staying.”

“Can I have another?” everyone turned their attention to Rei who for the last two or three minutes had her entire attention focused on her soda and now was holding an empty glass with melting ice cubes. “You already finished yours?” Shinji gasped out, taking the glass from her and tilting it to see not a single speck of orange left. Rei sunk down a bit nervously and smiled, “You were right it was good.” 

Misato laughed as she reassured Rei that she would call the waitress over in a second, [at least their eyes are off you].  
The conversation pretty much diverted from me from there, until Misato said. “You weren’t kidding when you said you were into that tea huh Nathan?” I didn’t even notice that I had slammed four cups back, “Oh, yeah. I guess I should pace myself huh?” I joked filling up another fresh cup taking in the calming spices.

“Well if it’s that good maybe I should give it a try.” She reached over the table and grabbed the cup from me. “W-w-wai-wa.” I just stammered and watched helplessly as she brought it up to her mouth and slurped it letting out a satisfied “Ahh, god that’s good! You really have a knack for picking teas.”

“Let me try some then.” Shinji piped up, [dear god why are they doing this?] Passing the cup over he took his sip from it lighting up, “Wow that is good here try some Rei. You don’t mind right Nathan.” Raising a finger, I found that my mouth had become dry yet it felt like any second now my mouth would start foaming as my jaw and throat muscles started to twist and contort. But my stammering went ignored as Rei took a sip nodding in agreement.

Asuka passed on her turn to try out the tea, I was at least glad for that now only three people drank from my cup but still three people drank from my cup. I could feel my eyes twitching, seeing it placed back in front of me racked my nerves something fierce as I just stared at it imagining all the things that could be floating around the lip. Picking up the pot I closed my eyes and prayed that the water was still hot enough to sterilize it.

Pouring just enough to let the tea cascade over the lip to cover every millimeter of it, “Careful Nathan it looks like you over filled it.”

“Don’t worry Misato it’ll be fine. Heat doesn’t really bother me anyways.” I said in a quivering voice as I reached and picked it up taking a slurp raising my eyebrows to show how little they just mentally scarred me. “See?” [Holy mother of god it burns!]. I kept my smug face and raised eyebrows as I toasted them. Setting it down I hid my pink singed fingers under the table, I could almost feel the top layer of skin burning away. “God how can any of you enjoy tea… its nothing but hot leaf juice!”

“Woah okay you can insult me Asuka but don’t… you… dare… insult the tea.” Her cheap shot made me forget about my burning fingers but now the two of us were locked in another battle. “I just did and no matter how you put it tea is nothing more than water flavored by plants.”

“Pump your brakes there you philistine, tea is a corner stone of human civilization and one of the greatest discoveries in all of history.”

“Like tea can compare with something as important as penicillin!”

“Arguable, if anything tea is the world’s best natural medicine besides there are way more cons to penicillin than pros.”

“Huh who knew all we had to get Nathan to talk was insult his tea.” Shinji said his eyes narrowed. Just as it looked like Asuka was about to stand up and smash the table or kick away the tea pot the staff came back with platter of random stuff, setting the food spread out everywhere but concentrating the vegetarian dishes around Rei she settled back down and began serving herself fried pork and noodles.

“So, you just ordered everything?” I asked looking at all the different piles of steaming food feeling a bit overwhelmed and worried about what I should choose. [dear god you’re hopeless kid, can’t even choose what you want to eat without having an anxiety attack?]

“Well we are celebrating, aren’t we? Go on and choose whatever you want. Besides you could stand to gain a little extra weight. Besides there’s nothing like family style eating.” [family?]

“Thank you for ordering these for me Captain Katsuragi.”

“Oh, please Rei it’s no problem I just want to make sure you’re comfortable and outside its Misato okay. You don’t have to always call me by my title.”

“Okay then. Thank you, Ms. Misato.” 

“Jeez just when I think that you can’t put yourself on a higher pedestal first now here you are sitting with the rest of us refusing to eat meat.” Asuka leaned forward sneering at Rei picking up a platter of barbeque taking several pieces of ribs off and dropping them on her plate. “I do not see myself as better than you, I just… don’t eat meat.” She replied to her in a timid voice.

“Just leave her alone.” I muttered as I grabbed a small bowl of something and began filing my plate, “Always defending the two of them, you’re just a loyal lap dog aren’t you Nathan.” 

“Alright you two enough, like it or not we’re a team, a family now so find a way to get along.” I let out a sigh and a nod, Asuka just humphed and turned her attention back to her platter. For a while we just ate in silence before Shinji looked up at me wiping his mouth with a napkin, he asked the question I’m sure they all had wanted to know the answer to. “Hey, Nathan. Uh- I just wanted to know… if it’s not a problem. Wha-.” 

“Ugh… what the idiot is clearly trying to ask is what’s up with your eye?” I let out a small heh, before tracing the dark brown misshapen birthmark vaguely resembling India that rested over my left eye. “Oh, this thing… just a birthmark. Nothing special.” Shinji just let out a simple “oh”, before returning to his meal. We ate in silence for a while until Misato spoke up to me trying to get me to open up.

“So, Nathan, you never seem to talk about your home? Care to give us any details about America’s Nevada NERV branch?” 

“I mean… it’s probably no different than the one here. Except it was in the middle of the desert. And there was no city above it, there also wasn’t a geofront or biome whatever thing, so you guys have that over them. Honestly it was just boring and unbearable. Everyone who worked there lived there including their kids, pretty much no one ever left.”

“So, I guess you were the first lucky one out huh?” Shinji joked, “God can’t you be happy anywhere?” Asuka shot at me. Misato just rolled her eyes at Asuka, before returning the conversation to back to me. “So, any friends back there or any girls.”

“Maybe one or two friends… or at least people who said they were my friends I just never felt close to them, but no girls no. I guess I just never felt like that towards someone.”

“But what about these friends you still keep in touch with them right?” Instead of telling her some lie I just decided to keep going and tell her the truth, the US branch couldn’t have blacked out all my file, right?  
“No… I don’t keep in touch with them. Well the one that’s alive anyways.”

The only sound that was heard was the clinking of chopsticks and drinkware hitting the table as everyone’s eye drew open wide looking at me, I mean maybe I said it a little more casually than how I meant to put it but it was the truth right, how did they expect me to say it. “W-what was that?”

“I don’t keep in touch with my friend, I don’t know. One day we just stopped hanging out, then we stopped talking. It didn’t help that he drifted off into another clique and I just stayed by myself.”

“I don’t think that’s what she meant Nathan. What was that about your dead friend?”

“Oh that? I forget how old we were… but one day we were playing in one of the hangers where they were storing the parts for my EVA. It was still being built around then but uh-. I don’t know, he was hiding or something behind the plug and it wasn’t strapped down properly, so it rolled over on him and crushed him about up to here.”

I held my hand out flat against my stomach maybe barely three or four inches above my bellybutton, “Tried as I might I couldn’t roll it off him, he didn’t die right away either. He just lay there asking why he felt wet and cold. Anyways the crew was given the weekend off, so we got locked in there for two whole days.”

After telling my story I returned to eating until Misato asked me, “What do you mean a clique?”  
Shrugging I kept on, “For a while it was just the three of us. But they had other friends, me I never really got along with anyone else or wanted to be friends with anyone else. One day I just woke up and I was alone, just like when I was younger, but I didn’t mind it. Can I go to the bathroom now?’

“What?”

“I was just gonna head off to the bathroom and be back Misato.”

“Oh, yeah… no… problem.” Her tone became graver and sullener as she looked to the others, like they would know what to do. I picked up my small bag and flung it over my shoulder, “Wait what do you need that for?”

“I’m not just gonna leave this thing here with all my personal stuff in it. I kinda have my doubts about you guys rifling through it but still. I’d feel way more comfortable taking it with me.”

I didn’t wait for an answer I just slung it over my shoulder and went off, thank god the exit was close by to the bathrooms. At least I was heading the right way and was out of their eyesight, walking out of the restaurant I let the door swing softly behind me the bell jingling as it closed. Grabbing my player, I leaned against the wall trying to find something to listen to but then the door opened beside me and out walked Shinji.

“What are you doing here?”

“The bigger question is what are you doing out here, you said you were going to the bathroom.”

“Didn’t say which bathroom did I?”

“Don’t be a jerk Nathan. They’re gonna expect you to come back in a few minutes and I find you out here. Planning to go home I’m guessing. Why? Tell me why you’d leave us?”

I let out a quick sigh finding the perfect song I hit pause before it could play, taking my buds out and slipping them into my shirt I looked at him and said. “Look Shinji, try as I or you guys might. I’ll never be one of you, besides I’m better off on my own. It’s easier that way.”

“How’s it better? You can’t be putting walls up, I’ve tried that and it never works. All you’re gonna do is hurt yourself. C’mon come back with us. You’ll see you have to give it some effort.”

I wet my lips and clicked my tongue, then after a crackle of thunder it started to rain. The slow pitter patter of droplets quickly became something that looked like a typhon, “I’ll see you later Shinji, I’d better get walking to the train station, so I don’t get that drenched.” Slipping the earbuds back in clicking play I listened to the soft lone guitar picking until slowly it was joined by another guitar then a drum’s cymbal.

Stay home by American football, the title couldn’t fit my situation better. I heard the door slam shut behind me looking over my shoulder I saw Shinji standing on the other side of the screen door, we stood for a minute or two looking at each other until he walked away back to the table. I just followed the howling sound of the train coming to a stop and eventually found my way to the station.


	6. Shinji's visit to nathan

The train rattled me home, at least it was empty so there was no one to say anything about the puddle of water that was pooling under my feet. One stop before me a couple got on board and sat a few rows down from me. The two of them were just laughing and giggling about something, eventually they started to nuzzle one another before they started to make out.

I’m not sure if they even saw me or if they even cared. I just watched them out of the corner of my eye until my stop came and I was back to walking in the rain. 

I was glad to see that I had a stack of boxes outside my door. If there was one great thing about the internet it was the fact, I could order everything I could ever need or want and not ever leave my room. Except of course when they needed me to pilot the EVA.

Getting in I was surprised to see a new TV on my desk, with another yellow sticky note attached to it.  
Got you a new TV Nathan  
Your old one burned out. Take better care of your things  
And yourself- Misato

Halfheartedly flinging the note aside it fluttered to the ground and I clicked on the TV finding my favorite channel I figured I’d get back to my old routine of leaving it on indefinitely. Right now, I just wanted to sleep and forget about the day.

I just got to making some honey lavender tea, rubbing the sleep from my eyes I finished it up before propping myself up against the wall I began sipping from my mug looking up I saw some scene from a horror movie I never saw before. It was a chiropractor talking to some guy with a messy head of hair, I wasn’t paying attention until the chiropractor started to talk again and what he said rattled me to the core.

“If you’re frightened of dying and… and you’re holding on, you’ll see devils tearing your life away. But if you’ve made your peace then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.”

[huh, devils… angels. What’s really the difference? Both want to claim our souls, why are we calling those things angels if all they want to do is end all of humanity, weren’t angels supposed to protect and help humanity? Maybe just maybe by some long shot they were trying to help humanity in their own way.]

There was a knock on the door, getting up I walked over ignoring the rest of what the patient had to say back, I rubbed at my eyes wondering who it could possibly be at this hour. I opened it up to see Shinji standing outside with an overnight bag and a drenched umbrella, the rain and thunder continued. “Hey.”

“Hey. What are you doing here Shinji?”

“Um- well. Uh- Mis- Misato sent me over-. No, I decided to come over, Misato just sided with me when I said I was coming over.”

“So why are you here?”

“Aren’t you gonna invite me in first? It’s pouring pretty hard out.” He chuckled nervously, looking over his shoulder reminded me how bad the storm was, “Oh, sorry.” I opened the door up and motioned for him to come on in. He walked inside taking his shoes off and setting his things aside. “Why are you here Shinji?”

“You kind of freaked everyone with what you said and how you left us, you know Misato does worry about you genuinely. So do the rest of us in our own little ways. Besides I know that you said you do better on your own but- “

“I am better off on my own Shinji – “

“You know Nathan you can be a real ass. Say whatever you want, you can say that you’re better alone but everyone else sees that it’s killing you and you won’t ask for it, but you just want someone to be around.”

Sighing I swirled my mug seeing that it was empty, I looked back up at him and asked, “You want some tea?”

His face melted from annoyed to confused then to relaxed as he gave up trying to stop me from diverting the conversation before, he sighed saying that he’d like one. Getting a pot of water ready I leaned against the counter while he looked around the one room muttering something under his breath about how it was barely better than Rei’s. “Do you even change your bed sheets? I think I can see the stains from here.”

“No, I don’t really change the sheets, I don’t sleep much anyways and what’s the point of doing it if you’re just gonna get the sheets dirty again?”

“Basic hygiene for one. The smell, the fact that soon enough you’ll just be laying in what is mostly your own dead skin cells, sweat and oils.”

“Okay well when you put it like that then yeah it sounds gross and makes me sound lazier than just apathetic, I guess?” the kettle started to whistle, and I got two bags, one in each cup, the smell of honey and lavender covered up the smell of rain. Handing him one he nodded thanks, taking a sip he said, “Hey before I forget I should probably mention that Misato doesn’t want us going to school monday, she said something about us taking the day off and heading to HQ for some sync testing.”

“She give you any more info?”

“No just whatever we were going to do is all a part of team building exercise. Since you know not all of us are on the best terms or something. So at least you know we’d be missing school.”

“Uh, what’s your little tag say on the tea bag? These ones always come with some kind of zen proverbs or feel good advice type stuff.”

Grabbing the tiny paper tag with his fingers he read it out loud, “Happiness is a worthwhile goal. What’s yours say?”

“Self-love is a long, hard but fulfilling journey. Kind of spot on don’t ya think?”

He let out a small huff, ‘Maybe yeah.”

I took another slurp, in silence, “So why’d you say you guys care about me?”

“Jeez you are dense… look like it or not Nathan we’re a team and our job is to take care of one another. Besides you’re my friend, right? So why would I want to help you, make sure you’re doing well.”

“But why? I mean… I’m sure you have your own problems. Why would you help me out much less why would Asuka help me?”

“I swear it’s like talking to a brick wall.” Taking another sipping of the calming tea he sighed leaning against the wall taking the mug in both hands he looked back at me. “Yeah, I have my own problems Nathan, everyone does. It’s just no one talks about them, unlike you I guess but then you said you lied or told half-truths. The point is people help one another so they can feel good and forget about their own issues.”

“Besides I think Asuka only wants to make sure you stay alive so she can keep outperforming you.”

“Yeah that does seem like an Asuka move.” We just stood in silence for a couple of minutes sipping, “Um you don’t happen to have any food, do you?” he asked nervously but it was clear that his stomach was growling in between the claps of thunder, then in agreement my stomach rumbled too. “Um let me check real quick.”

On the center shelf of the fridge were seven or six stacked boxes and tubs of random collections of noodles, rice, meat, steamed vegetables and other stuff. “Yeah there’s plenty of stuff what would you like? I mean I typically just toss everything in a big bowl and heat it up.”

“Why?”

“Well cause that way I can eat everything at once and all the flavors mix together. Don’t knock it till you try it Master Chef.” And Shinji came soon to regret talking noise about the way I ate because after the first few tentative bites you think he hadn’t eaten in a few years. Just after our second dinner I asked him if it was okay if I put on some music, saying he didn’t mind I went over to my speaker.

With my back to him I finally asked him the question I had been wanting to know, since he told me that they cared for me. “Hey, so if you care about me because we’re friends and with Asuka it’s just some weird self-image thing. Why would Rei care about me?”

As worst party ever’s alright played the acoustic guitar and the monotone melancholic voice echoed softly throughout my room I heard Shinji made a weird sound in his throat, before he answered.   
“I think it’s because nobody’s ever needed her like that before. She’s told me that before everyone just needed her so she can pilot the EVA, but you were the first one who needed and wanted her around you. I guess she’s never felt the feeling of helping and worrying about another person. Maybe she just thinks most people are off put by her.”

[she was worried about me?] “Uh- hey you think you can top me off?” Looking back at Shinji I saw that he was waving an empty mug around, “Yeah I could use a refill myself.”  
As the song switched to Sleep Patterns by Merchant Ships I opened up a window to let in a breeze, the smell of rain wafted in opening up my chest, it was strangely calming considering it looked like the entire city was about to wash away. “You give any thought about what you’d do when all this is over?” Shinji asked taking his fresh cup in two hands. Breathing it in before drinking.

“I don’t know… guess I’ve never really thought about it all that much. I guess why bother having a plan if you know… you could die tomorrow?”

“Well you do know that you could possibly die tonight in your sleep, right? Besides having a plan or a dream of what you could want or be keeps some hope right.”

“Thank you for reminding me of that, I’m sure now that I’ll sleep peacefully.” Taking a minute to decided I looked into the honey hued liquid in my cup seeing the fresh hot steam floating up in tiny almost invisible wisps. “I guess maybe I’d like to have and run my own tea shop or something having to do with writing. Those are the only two things I like.”

“You write?”

“Yeah, just short stories and I try to write poems but none of them are any good, what about you? Anything you could see yourself wanting to do?”

Wetting his lips, he looked away for a split second before meeting my gaze again, “I guess something with music, either playing my cello in an orchestra or running my own.”

“Wait you play the cello?”

“Yeah, I’ve been it ever since I could remember, my aunt and uncle suggested I do it and… I never stopped. But I’m just alright, I mean they praised me all the time, but I think they just did that, so I’d stick with it.” The small smile he had started to slowly fade. Seeing how happy talking about his cello made I decided to keep talking to him about it.

“So, you ever play a concert or something?”

“Once yeah… in front of my old school, but. I invited my father and surprise, surprise he didn’t show. I don’t know why I bothered trying to get him to come. When my Uncle and Aunt told him that I was picking up the cello he said for me not to bother it’d just be a worthless skill and there’d be no way I could ever make a career out of it. I think that was the day I really started to hate him… I almost broke my cello too.”

“I know that feeling too, I just think part of being a parent is killing the parts of your kids that you lost when you were their age. As far as I can remember my parents always criticized me for writing or wanting to write. Saying how there’s no way I could do anything decent with it or how I could make it as a writer.”

“Maybe you could learn an instrument… you know. Maybe we could play together or something?” He swallowed nervously, he was throwing me a rope trying to pull me closer and all I could say was… “Maybe yeah.”

“Wait didn’t you say your parents died after the second impact?”

“Well they’re dead to me. I guess I lied or misspoke. At least any goodness they had died that day, I think they just created me so I could be their pilot.”

“Jeez and I wonder why people say we’re a dysfunctional team. So, I take it your parents work for NERV?”

I sighed, “Yeah they pretty much ran the Nevada branch. But you wanna know something? I hacked into my dad’s personal computer and accepted the transfer here, I just wanted to get away. From everything back there… but now that I’m here. I just wanna go somewhere else. But for the record my mom really is dead.”

Shinji met my eyes again his anger wiping away to sympathy, “You know the only reason I came here was because my father requested me to come back here. I just wanted to see him so I could tell him how much I hated him, but I got roped into being a pilot. But after a while… I don’t know. I started to like things here just fine.”

“You really think that I could like it here eventually?”

“Yeah I’m sure that maybe sometime later you’d enjoy being here. You might enjoy more if you stopped keeping all us at arm’s length.”

[How would I survive then? I couldn’t stand having my parents ask me a question or talk to me even when my mom was alive, how can I tolerate someone else wanting to get to know me? Just the thought of having to hear other voices for any period just drained me of all energy.]

We killed another kettle of tea and then decided to turn in for the night, I got back on my mat and Shinji took the pullout bed. Staring at the ceiling hearing his soft snoring I wondered how people let themselves or could become so close to another person. I looked over at him, turned over on his side his hands near his face. 

For the first time in forever I felt somewhat at ease, like I did when we slept in my room back at HQ, it was just nice knowing someone else was there and that it wasn’t just me inside of these four walls. I wondered how he’d react when he found out what happened between me and Rei. I thought about the word friend, I guess we were friends and Shinji considered us friends. But whenever I said it or told Shinji I liked being around him it felt a bit disingenuous, whatever feeling I was supposed to get I just never felt. It’s like I slowly lost that part of being human over time.

I just closed my eyes rolling over facing away from him, just I was drifting off that thought rattled around my head again. You were the first one who needed her and wanted her around you. I fell asleep dreaming of Rei by my side, holding me with my head in her lap as she stroked my hair under a light. Saying I’m glad you’re by my side, I’m glad you’re alive and with me here. 

But of course, the dream turned sour and the next thing I knew I was in a glass box floating above a beach where Shinji, Rei, Misato and Asuka were standing by the water. I tried to call out to them for help, no matter how loud I screamed they wouldn’t turn around. Punching and kicking the glass box with every ounce of strength I tried to at least get a splinter or the tiniest crack, but it was useless. 

They just stood side by side looking out at the sea, rolling back I started to kick at one side with my heel shouting c’mon, c’mon! Then it happened there was a tiny crack the began to spider web from the center of the window now with a new vigor I doubled the work the splinters grew and spread out wider and wider. Finally giving one last kick the box fell apart shattering into tiny fragments that floated upward while I plummeted down to the sand.

Landing hard on my stomach I knocked the wind out of my stomach, getting up shakily I stumbled over to them and call out to them in a hoarse voice, “Rei… Shinji… Misato… Asuka.”  
The four of them turned around with a look of confusion on his face, then in one voice they asked me, “Who are you?” I awoke with a start my chest pounding as sweat streamed off my body, I threw the covers off myself. Shivering I looked up to see Shinji pulling on a fresh shirt, looking at me he asked. “Hey, you okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those who would like to know the movie i was referencing is Jacob's ladder


	7. NERV HQ

“So, he just walked out of the dinner, just like that not even a goodbye?” Ritsuko sat in her chair in front of the several monitors sipping from a cup of black coffee a fresh pack of cigarettes sat by an overflowing ashtray.

“Yeah, Shinji tried to stop him I guess by he was just dead set on leaving. I don’t know about that boy it seems the closer you try to get to him the more he pulls away. I think he’s kind of like a stray dog, the bed head doesn’t help either.” Misato had her arms crossed over her chest with a cup of coffee in her right hand, staring at the floor.

“How do you mean like a stray dog?”

“Well he’s only close, and I use that term very loosely to maybe Shinji. But it’s like he’s reluctant to trust anyone even if they come at him with affection or any feelings for him. I think it takes him forever to trust someone and even then, there’s nothing stopping him from just walking away like he doesn’t want to be tied down. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day he pulled a Shinji and just disappeared, only Shinji would come back. I’m not sure if he would.”

“Talking about the sixth child I see, well if that’s the case I have some things that might interest you then.” Turning around Ritsuko and Misato to see Ryoji Kaji leaning against the doorway. “Kaji! What kind of info are you talking about? This kids a total mystery a good portion of his files are locked away, what could you find that we possibly couldn’t?” Misato narrowed her eyes at him as he gave a sly smile and pulled out a stack of filed from behind him.

“It’s my job Misato, and I am the best at what I do. Besides most of the stuff I did find was redacted or altered took me forever to find the original paperwork. So, if you ever feel like rewarding me just join me for a drink.”

Misato snatched the files away from him, “Not in a million years Kaji!”  
“Your mouth says no, but your eyes say later tonight.” He replied. “Have you even introduced yourself to the sixth child Kaji?” Ritsuko asked lighting a cigarette trying to suck the tension out of the air.

“No, we haven’t met formerly yet, I’ve just watched him from afar. But we’ll meet when the time is right. Now if you excuse me, I’d better be off, loads of stuff to do.” But in one wipe his suave smile melted away as his eyebrows narrowed and his face grew stony, “Like a stray dog.” He muttered.

With a voice of concern, she hardly pulled out for him Misato asked, “Kaji… what’s wrong.”

“Did I ever tell you about Riceball, Misato?”

“Riceball?” 

“Yeah, back when I was a kid. I was walking home from school one day and this little dirty white Shiba Inu came up to me. When I tried to touch him, he just yipped at me and ran away. Took me weeks to get his trust, and when I finally did, I took him home and gave him a bath, fed him the whole nine yards.”

He gave a slight chuckle, “Boy my parents not happy when they came home.”

“They didn’t make you get rid of him did they Kaji?” 

“No Misato, after enough pleading and tears they let me keep him. Man was he the best dog, we did everything together.” Misato watched Kaji’s eyes as they glistened with softness before she swore, they were on the verge of shedding tears. “But then one day out of the blue, he wasn’t home… he just disappeared. My dad always said you couldn’t trust a stray. Said that they were too wild. Too used to living on their own and one day eventually they’d run away going back to whatever they had.”

“So, did he run away Kaji?”

“I put up flyers for days on end, I put all my time and energy into finding that dog. Then one day my parents got a call from the vets saying that the chip we had put in him was finally working. So, I looked at the address and saw that it was coming from our apartment building, I checked every single floor until I reached the sub storage basement. And that’s where I found him, curled right by our locker.”

“Oh, Kaji was he-?”

“Yeah, for at least a day or two. He had gone down there to be alone, to die alone. All because he didn’t want me to see him. He didn’t want to hurt me. Maybe this kid’s the same way, can’t be hurt or can’t hurt others if you never walk into their lives.” He reached into his shirt pocket pulling out a small silver cigarette case, putting one into his mouth and pulling out a match which he struck by dragging his nail over the matchhead, he took a drag and let out a shaky breath.

“Well I gotta be off now, I’ll see you two around.” With that he turned to walk away.

“Wait Kaji! How do we know if any of this intel is good?” Misato asked holding the stack by her face. “C’mon Misato you used to trust me, why would I ever lead you astray especially when it comes to something like this?” giving a wink he walked off.

“Yeah… what person with any common sense would trust someone much less a man whose job is espionage?” Groaning she handed a copy of the files to Ritsuko who after flipping through them almost gagged on her coffee doing a spit take. “Well I can see why the files were so hard to get. Knowing that America puts up a strong front it’s not a surprise they wouldn’t want all this info about their pilot getting leaked out. Misato have you not noticed anything about this kid?”

“No, but I guess it makes sense, he said that he was an orphan but look. Just like Shinji, his parents run that NERV branch or at least his father does. But how can someone like this be a pilot?”

“Makes you wonder what the others have wrong with them.” The information was startling to Ritsuko she took a long drag on her cigarette, the white paper burning down to the filter. Printed in fine lettering was a report about the pilot and his mental status, at this point they both of them silently wondered if not now, if and when would he lose control of his EVA and go berserk.

Personality type INTP-T  
Mental disorder threat assessment levels  
Paranoid PD- Moderate to HIGH  
Schizoid PD- HIGH  
Schizotypal PD- HIGH  
Antisocial PD- Moderate  
Borderline PD- HIGH  
Histrionic PD- low  
Narcissistic PD- Moderate  
Avoidant PD- VERY HIGH  
Dependent PD- HIGH  
Obsessive- Compulsive PD- Moderate to High

Subject seems to avoid human contact at all costs, preferring to be alone “in his own head”. Some past trauma makes him want to avoid letting people into his life but also will become extremely emotionally attached to people he perceives as “friends” and has difficulty seeing them leave or letting go of them. Does not seem interested in human relationships, no wishes for family connection. Subject has difficulty meeting people eye to eye, often stares off to side of person’s head, dislikes being stared at.

Would rather be in background and forgotten. Keeps high stock of health and toiletry products saying buying them and seeing them stocked in mass “relaxes him”, room is in unkempt state. No longer dusts or cleans, says “no point” and is “able to find things just fine… once I put something down that is where it belongs until I consciously move it.” Extremely paranoid and uncomfortably having people in his room without him being there, dislikes having people move or touch his things and change their location.

Classic escapist spends most of day listening to music, reading or watching film and TV.

Subject reports insomnia is worsening, having trouble remembering basic things, zoning out, reports experiencing micro-naps, difficulty concentrating, and problems distinguishing realty from dreams. Anxiety on whether or not he is asleep or not, reports difficulty dreaming.  
Phobias include: dolls/puppets/mannequins, crowded spaces, death the concept and concrete thing, the dark  
All forms of treatment denied… will continue to monitor subject as directed

“Things just keep getting better and better.” Misato groaned, “How am I supposed to get someone like this to bond with a team?”

“Nothing short of a miracle Misato, my heart truly bleeds for you. But now I’m gonna have to double my workload and keep an eye on this one.” She lightly tossed the file away to another stack. Just as the door whooshed open the four pilots entered, Misato quickly flung the file aside and turned around to see the four kids in their plug suits. “So, what is this team building exercise?” Asuka asked walking forward.

Misato eyed the talent, Asuka had the look of confidence and superiority she always wore, Shinji had a slight smile on his face while Rei stood blank faced. But looking at Nathan she saw the dark circles under his eyes with the trade marked tired 1000-yard stare he had, shifting side to side nervously fiddling with his hand placement. “Well kids.” Misato cleared her throat, “This exercise is another synch test but with some change ups. Instead of hopping in your own plug, you’ll be taking turns trying to bond with one another’s EVA.”

“Why would we need to do that?” Shinji asked, tilting his head looking at his friends seeing if they were all wondering why on earth would they need to be able to pilot one another’s EVA. “Okay kids cards on the table, if you’re able to synch up with one another’s EVAs it’ll show how close and tight knit you are, how good of a team are you. Worst case scenario we’re short a few pilots and EVAs and need one of you to pilot someone else EVA in their place.”

Ritsuko piped up after pouring her a fresh cup of coffee, “We won’t always have time to rewrite the personal data for the each of you, besides this will only give us more data about your abilities to synch up with the EVAs.”

“So, who’d like to go first? No pressure kids, we don’t expect you to get your average synch rates.” Misato eyed the kids, the two boys shuffled and looked side to side, just as it looked like Rei was going to raise her hand Asuka gripped her wrist and swung it down stepping forward in front of the group, “I’ll go first, might as well put the best front and center.”

“Fine by me, alright start with Rei’s and work your way up Asuka. And when it comes to it, you’ll be skipping your EVA.”

“Ugh! Fine as long as we can all acknowledge my EVA is the best, through and through and it’s all thanks to that superior German engineering.” She placed her fists on her hips popping her chest and beamed brightly, Nathan just rolled his eyes and dryly said, “Oh yeah so superior… couldn’t win a single world war and had a big hissy fit over the use of shotguns in trenches.” Giving a little jazz hands wave at the end of his thought.

“Shut up you idiot! Out of my way!” she turned around and shoulder checked everyone out of her way and proceeded down to the testing cage muttering to herself about how she would show them, how stupid everyone else was and how no one would match her in this much less anything.

ASUKA

She strutted down the walkway swinging her arms in between the units, her brow furrowed a look of anger and determination sat on it. Looking at her precious unit 02 she smiled but looking at the cyclops and the purple unicorn she couldn’t help but snicker a little. But out of the corner of her eye she saw the Halloween themed unit 06, it wasn’t much to look at. At least the first’s had eyes or eye, that one just had the visor slit or whatever.

But now she had a creeping feeling that sent shivers up her spine, was she scared of the sixth’s? There was something about it like it was staring at her, sizing her up or intimidating her. But that was impossible, it wasn’t even powered on. She called herself stupid for being afraid of something that’s nothing more than an oversized remote-controlled toy. 

She climbed into the first’s plug and settled in, resting in her chair she adjusted her headset again gripping the controls, just then Ritsuko buzzed over the comms, “Alright Asuka get ready we’re gonna take it slow, if we need to make a better connection well lower you further in. Just imagine that you’re piloting your own EVA and we’ll see how you do.”

“Well if that’s all I need to do this’ll be a cinch.” Again, with that smug look on her face, “Alright turn it on. Okay Asuka we’re powering it up just keep your head clear and focused. So far, we’re not getting much. Lower the plug depth, Asuka grip the controls a little harder, just imagine that you’re moving.”

Ritsuko kept rattling on barking orders to her crew and to Asuka, Misato just kept her eyes on the numbers until she perked up. “Asuka, how’s it feel in there?” that thought didn’t even occur to Asuka, and like a switch she noticed how cold it was in there. Like a meat locker or being buried deep underneath the soil on a summer’s day [or an average day she guessed] as much as she hated to be in agreement with that doll, she secretly wished that she could one day just see snowfall, old movies and videos could never do it justice. How did the real thing feel?”

Shivering now rapidly, she answered, “It’s cold in here… like unbelievable cold.”

“You want us to stop the testing we can move on to the next unit, wait is that right? Asuka are you even focusing right now? Because right now by our projections you wouldn’t be able to move the unit a single step.”

“No! I can do it Ms. Ritsuko just give me time, I’ll get this stupid thing to do what I want no problem.”

“Fine, lower the plug depth and turn off any inhibitors we have.” The crew Maya Ibuki, Makoto Hyuga and Shigeru Aoba made their fingers fly across their keyboards each word that flew out of Ritsuko’s mouth hit them like a whip making them work faster and faster. “It’s no use ma’am, the plug is lowered almost all the way.” Maya said looking up at the stone-faced head scientist.

“She’s lucky that psychological contamination isn’t possible right now, otherwise she’d be a drooling mess we’d be shipping back home.” Aoba said coldly.

“We’re getting nowhere it’s almost like the EVA is working against her. Like its scared of her or it doesn’t like her.” Hyuga raised an eyebrow trying to make sense of the data that was streaming past his eyes. 

Misato sighed and slapped her face lightly, “So where are we with her synchronization with unit 00?” Ritsuko leaned forward looking at all the monitors using her finger to skim across each line of data, turning around she shook her head and sighed, “There’s no point in continuing this, she should just move on… scratch Asuka out as a possible switch out pilot for unit 00. Continue the testing.”

“Damn it… why’d they have to pull me out? I can do this I just needed a little more time. Damn the first, she must’ve done something.” Asuka cursed Rei under her breath as the seat raised itself up and the plug opened expelling the LCL, she hopped out and walked down to the purple unicorn, unit 06 still staring at her. Jeez what psycho was in charge of the design for that one she wondered.

“What do you feel now?” Ritsuko was busy at work setting up unit 01 for the testing, “I don’t know really, it feels weird. I mean I can smell the cowardice in here along with it feeling like daddy issues for days.”

“Jeez Asuka why’d you have to put it all like that?” Shinji bemoaned, but she ignored him settling in as the chair was lowered, she gripped the controls with a reenergized vigor wanting to prove herself now to her and everyone else out there in the control room watching her. They’re expecting me to fail, they want me to fail but I’ll show them, I’ll show all of them. I’ll show them that I’m the best pilot. I’m gonna stay and show them what I’m capable of.

That way no one will want me to leave that way they all see that they need me more than I need them, this’ll get them to pay attention to me! Everyone’ll be proud of me.

“Numbers are coming in, everything looks good so far.” Maya looked at her screen surprised at the drastic change in Asuka’s performance so far, none of the staff said anything about it not even Ritsuko or Misato. One of the little things they knew about the EVAs was that much like a thumb the pilot’s mind leaves a print, a mark in the tube, but Ritsuko just watched the screens intently all those secrets that Gendo shared with her at the back of her mind.

Bit and pieces of their subconscious, everything that the kids kept hidden was right there. Maybe that’s why Asuka wasn’t bonding with unit 00, something in Rei and her mind just wouldn’t bond together. But whatever was that factor none of them could tell, it wasn’t like the kids would tell them anyways. Ritsuko silently wondered to herself she said she felt cold in Rei’s tube, why could that be?

“Lowering the plug depth and it looks like the numbers are leveling off. Let me run a simulation through the magi, Aoba what’s the Magi say?” Hyuga looked to his desk mate for an answer, “Simulations ran, and the magi predicts that she would be able to pilot it, just not to the best of her abilities like she would if she was in unit 02.” He replied.

Shinji is a pretty submissive person, and he usually bends down to Asuka’s bullying and playful teasing, is that why she’s able to bond with his EVA? Is some part of his subconscious more wanting to please or obey her? I guess that’s why she couldn’t bond with Rei… the two of them just have some silent competition with each other only Rei isn’t even playing.

How will she bond with Nathan’s, Misato worked everything out in her mind, trying to come up with every possible outcome she could and any remedies to fix them. Wondering what she could possibly do to get the kids to bond better, it didn’t help that Shinji was the weak glue factor that kept them all together. From all the surveillance reports it seemed that Asuka and Nathan didn’t even spend any time in the same room unless they had too, ditto for Rei.

Other than that, the only person each of them was somewhat close to was Shinji only Nathan still seemed to avoid spending time with anyone, she wondered if she would have to tranq him and kidnap him for the next outing she had planned for them.

“So, are we done here? I want to see if I can’t go two for three, there’s no way any of those sorry losers are gonna beat me.” Asuka

Tough words from a tough girl, good thing she said them in Shinji’s tube and not while she was walking to the sixth EVA, because while she was walking towards the demon king looking thing it took all the will power she had to keep her knees from knocking and shaking like jelly. As she climbed in true to her nature, she had to shoot off a few shots, “Geez I can just smell the self-loathing beneath all that health and beauty products and is that the smell of flowers and tropical fruit I’m picking up, wait! I recognize that scent it’s an anti-aging face cream for women!”

“The bottle said unisex!” she snickered at Nathan’s misery, “They don’t make good natural skin care products for men exclusively.” He grumbled. The NERV crew all shared a stifled snicker at the American boy’s expense, maybe he was right, and it was unisex or he had just mistakenly picked up a women’s product and was now trying to save face.

She beamed at her words and settled into the chair, but then something happened. The air… it turned stale, it smelt sickly her nostrils flared up like there was a match under them and her throat burned as bile was bungee jumping down her throat, she felt like she was spinning.

Her heart was racing, why was she feeling this? What’s wrong with this kid, Asuka’s mind ran around on a hamster wheel at a million miles per hour, she began to feel needle like quills poking at her hands so she let go of the controls, she began wiggling around feeling the sensation of her skin rising up in strips and squirming around as if there were worms under her skin, all she could think of was GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE! But whenever she tried to talk nothing came out. 

I hate it here! I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be anywhere! Why does my brain feel like it’s on fire? My chest- it hurts like I’m having a heart attack. So cold- I feel so cold, why can’t I be like them? Why are they so special, how can they be happy? How can they go on, why is it only me who feels this way? Why does no one else feel this pain?

How can people be happy? How can they live in a world like this, how can they bring more children into the world? How can they all be so happy knowing that it all has to end?! Why does no one else feel like me, why doesn’t someone help me! Why does no one try and understand me? Why can no one anybody help me?!

How can I ever be happy with being alive? Why bother going on if my end is already written, how can anybody live knowing it all has to end? WHY DO I HAVE TO DIE? WHY DOES ANYBODY HAVE TO DIE, WHY DO THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT HAVE TO LEAVE ME!?  
WHY AM I ALWAYS ALONE?! WHY CAN’T I JUST LEAVE MY HEAD, WHY DO I HAVE TO BE STUCK LIKE THIS, WHY AM I SO INSIGNIFICANT?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO ON?!

Tears stung her eyes, but she shut them as tightly as she could to prevent them from being born. [being born?]  
Why was that phrase bouncing around in her mind? Wiping her face with her right wrist just opened her up to more pain, it felt as if there were insects crawling along the sides of her torso before all in one synchronized movement they bite and stung her sending an icy nerve killing poison throughout her body.

There was the sensation of her bits and pieces of her entire nerve system flaring up sending red hot electric pulses into her brain before they wrapped up on themselves feeling like there were rocks inside of each individual nerve, each on a large bulging misshapen piece of carcinogenic tissue. Her bones hurt, her nerves hurt, her brain hurt, her organs felt hot and pulsated as if they were being eaten away by acid, her skin hurt. Everything hurt, being hurt. 

She clutched her skull in her hands no longer able to fight back the tears, why won’t it end? Why did she ever have to go through this? If she never was born, she’d never experience any of this, would that have been better?

Before she realized anything the tube corkscrewed its way out of the EVA’s back flushing the out the LCL, she scrambled out of it hopping to the floor landing on her hands and knees where she was finally able to find some release and she vomited, at least 94% of it landed in her hair, but at this point she didn’t care, she was just glad to be out of that damn freak show. A single thought ran around her mind, it didn’t want me in there, it didn’t want anything to do with me. I couldn’t control it. Why did it hurt me?

“What the hell just happened?” Misato almost yelled it out making everyone in the room jump a little, mostly the three children well just the two. Rei seemed to take her yelling in stride. “She didn’t even last a single minute, what happened?”

“The EVA rejected her… we didn’t even have time to calibrate it.” Maya sat shaking, she thought back to the time unit 00 went berserk. How terrifying that was, but this… this thing wasn’t even turned on and who knows what it did, no data was recorded. Ritsuko rubbed her chin and out of the corner looked at the fidgeting boy, something was majorly off about him his body motions when he was interacting with people, he seemed to be off by at least a second or two like he was panicking internally trying to figure out how to act for whomever. Like he was trying to figure out how to change how he moved his body, or the way he spoke per each different person.

But when he was just there by himself or around people who weren’t talking to him he was just unsettled, pent up with energy and no idea what to do with it, maybe that’s why he preferred to be alone so he wouldn’t have to try and read what a person wants. All that she knew was something in this kid’s mind didn’t want to let people into his internal life, would he have a problem entering the other EVAs? 

Is that why the EVA kicked Asuka out on its own, it was protecting whatever was going on in that kid’s head. Would it do the same for the others, would he or it just keep pushing them away. “Ugh! Damn it, that’s it! I’m done, I’m going to go clean up if that’s okay with you and if you’re listening Nathan, you’d better hope that I don’t have to cut my hair, or you’ll be sorry!”

“God can she scream.” Nathan muttered, rubbing his temples, Misato looked at him and walked over, “You know what after a… well I don’t know what to call it. Let’s see the man behind the EVA, Nathan hop on down there and let’s see how you do.” She tried to wrap her arm playfully around him pulling his head close into her chest but at the last second, he tensed up.

Popping his shoulders up, sticking out his elbows and other bones it was like his muscles almost shrank, it was a miracle his hair wasn’t standing on end. He was shying away and actively trying to pull away like the hug or whatever it was becoming repulsed him. Like she repulsed him, the thought of a woman or another human being, it’s like his body was actively making itself as uncomfortable to touch as he probably felt being touched, it felt like hugging a loose bag filled with cooked noodles and chicken bones.

“Alright I’ll just go, just- just-.” He couldn’t finish the sentence but Misato finally let go understanding what it was he was trying to say, pulling his head down and hunching up he walked away with everyone’s eyes on his back, she regretted doing that but she learned something about him in that one split second. He was so afraid or uncomfortable around people he couldn’t even stand the thought of them touching him or was it something else? And why was he so cold like a corpse?


	8. The others see into each other

Nathan

[Dear god why did she have to do that? My skin feels like its convulsing or twitching, all over on my left side, what’s that cold burn I feel?]  
I kept pushing on walking down to the cage the four towering EVAs stood like statures staring down at the ground looking like totems or idols of gods from some lost civilization. Turning around I looked at the glass wall, “Uh- so where do you want me to start?”

“Wherever you feel comfortable.” I turned around shaking my head at Ritsuko’s answer talk about a catch 22 I muttered silently under my breath, figuring I owed it to her wherever she was, if she wouldn’t see it, she’d certainly hear about how I failed in her EVA. Looking dead in its lifeless green emerald eyes, I wondered if it were alive what would it be thinking about all her bolstering it didn’t look all that scary or impressive.

Shinji’s EVA looked more threatening than hers, there something about those two eyes always staring forward, its facial structure looked like they were making it look like a beast eyeing its prey. Hopping in unit 02 I waited as the plug screwed itself in and the chamber flooded with that LCL, funny enough I didn’t smell pennies this time around. But there was something else, my arms tensed up bring them closer to my side, it felt like my torso was being crushed by ice needles but at the same time my heart started to race.

I could just feel my fight or fight senses revving up adrenaline pumped throughout my body and I felt strangely confident like there was nothing stopping me but at the same time there was a feeling of doubt somewhere in the back of my mind. But something else, something I had but never cared for. A single word.

I steadied myself my shaky breaths, I felt the chair lower and the sides of my head felt surges of electricity, a single word that drowned out all the words that the crew were saying to me. I was too focused on whatever Asuka left here, a single word, why was she so focused on this one word it cared some weight with it, like its pure essence was made of sadness, hurt, yearning and abandonment, But after a split second of feeling that my brain rewired those feelings.

I felt apathy, anger, disgust and uncomfortableness. That one damn word. “Alright Nathan we’re pulling you out, you did… well you couldn’t really pair with it, for long anyways. You’re connection kept dropping, don’t worry you’ll get the next one.”

All because of that one damned word, that one damned feeling, that one damned person. That one word… mother.

I hopped out and took the long way around my unit avoiding the vomit puddle, wondering why Asuka would leave something like that there. Stepping up to unit 01 I popped my neck side to side getting ready for this, part of me felt grossed out by what was no doubt an invasion of privacy, my insides jiggled around at the thought of them thinking about what I’d see and what they would see about me.

I climbed into the plug that Shinji called home, settling in I wondered what feelings Toji and Kensuke felt when they shared it with him during the angel attack, they saw what he felt, the anguish how scared he was the toll it took fighting the angel. The fear of dying, but he still went headfirst and fought the angel. 

I let out a shaky breath trying to figure out what I should get ready for, well I couldn’t imagine what would be coming my way. Closing my eyes, I followed Ritsuko’s orders and collected my thoughts, gripping the controls I felt the chair lower as the lights and switches came up, but then everything felt still and silent.

For some reason I felt like crying, no I was crying. I- I hadn’t cried in years for nine years, but there they were slipping out from the inner corners of my eyes sliding down my cheeks before slowly falling off my chin landing on my neck. Why was I crying? I felt cold like my bones were made of ice or no it was more like being caught and left out in the rain, the feeling you’d get looking through a window and seeing people all warm and happy but you’re still outside out in the cold. But then comfort I felt like people were reaching out to me.

People were calling out to me I felt loved, wanted, needed but no I shook my head, stop it stop thinking about it its’ all just the EVA, nothing more this is just Shinji it’s not you. But that creeping feeling was still climbing in the back of my mind, I pushed away the feelings, but I could still feel the presence of one person there trying to comfort me or pull me away someplace else. 

“So, how’s he doing this time around?” Misato gave Shinji and Rei a look before returning her gaze to Ritsuko awaiting her answer, she had mixed feelings about what they were doing, on one hand they’d be able to see which of the children were closer to one another, who would make the best combat pair. But on the other whatever baggage these kids had and left in the EVA the others would get a sneak peak into what their co-pilots were like… really. Maybe this would make them more sympathetic of one another or it would just drive them further away from each other.

Shinji already had a history of running away, Rei wasn’t exactly the most social of people and Nathan was well Nathan… but still it seemed like Asuka was the most social and seemed to be the most normal out of all them despite her rough exterior but with her like that could it harm the other’s chance of bonding with her EVA?

“He’s bonding okay with it, but it seems like it’s trying to bond with him more than he is with it, like the closer they get to an even synch ratio his concentration wavers and walls him off from it. We could make it work but I’d say put this on the back burner until we see how he does with unit 00.”

Misato let out a long sigh, she thought this would be easier, but when have things ever been easy since after the second impact? Were they any easier before? She punched the intercom button, “Nathan go ahead and get out, hop in unit 00.” Silently obeying she watched as the plug unscrewed itself and a minute later, he got out leaning against the guard rail for a second looking like he was trying to catch his breath before he went off to the next one.

Misato looked back at the children, trying to get a read on them Rei was the only one who looked slightly uncomfortable, shifting side to side looking at the ground. What was going on in the back of her mind, Misato wondered, she figured she could ask each of the children once they were alone, but she figured the only one that would talk would be Asuka.

But she couldn’t do that to them, if one of them talked to the others that would just burn that bridge and burn it quick. 

I climbed up the ladder into the plug slowly each step sending out a hollow bong that echoed throughout the room, climbing into the chair I wiggled in and tried to get comfy, as the plug closed itself and went into the unit I took a whiff, and almost instantly I noticed that it smelt like a hospital or some kind of medicine, along with the scent of aquatic flowers.

Where had I smelt that scent before I wondered, wait it smells like her. The plug smells like Rei, the plug started to lower, and the plug came to life. I felt more relaxed, more than I ever had been. A warm glow started to spread from my chest, I felt safe like I did back in her arms when I was bleeding out. I just wanted to stay in here forever, basking in the glow that she left behind. I sat there eyes closed until things took a soft turn.

Opening my eyes my head darted around everywhere was there someone in here with me, no it was just an echo of her. It was just Rei’s subconscious thoughts and feelings, but I looked down and flexed my right hand opening and closing it slowly. Each time I closed it making a halfway open fist I felt like I was holding someone else’s hand. 

But that wasn’t all, it felt like they were clinging to me, holding my hand and wrapping their arms around my chest or stomach. It felt like a small frightened child trying to seek comfort, I could feel a head resting on my chest. Like someone who was scared and needed to feel the presence of someone, they just needed to hold someone and be reassured that they were loved. 

“Nathan how do you feel?”

“I feel … fine.” My heart was fluttering, what was all this she left in here I wondered. “You can go ahead and get out Nathan, well done you did better than the last two.”

I didn’t voice it, but I wondered if I even wanted to leave.

SHINJI

“So, how’d he do this time Ritsuko?” Misato was busying tapping her foot the numbers that light up the board looked good to her but still she had some doubts. “To be honest I’m impressed, his numbers are almost compatible to his average synch rate with unit 06, he only a few points behind but we can help with that.”

“So, so far it seems that Asuka bonded the best with unit 01 and he’s bonded best with unit 00. Still I think it’d be a safer bet just to ground Asuka if the need ever rose. Alright Shinji you’re next get down there and show us what you got.”

“Alright.”

Not saying anything else he made his way down to the cage, walking past Nathan who didn’t say anything but gave a quick nod. Shinji turned trying to raise an arm to catch him by the shoulder, maybe ask him about something about what he should expect but by the time he turned around he was already gone.

Stepping up to Rei’s unit Shinji hopped in and already his breath was slightly erratic, he was nervous his thoughts swarming around Rei. She didn’t say much already or give him much insight to what was going on with her at all so what would her subconscious feel like? Would he feel the same things as Asuka and Nathan or would he feel something totally different?

“Ok, Shinji just take it slow and remember you have pretty decent numbers with unit 01 just get into the same headspace and we’re sure you’ll do great.”

“Alright I’ll try.” For the first time in a while Shinji felt nervous not just because he would be trying to bond with someone else’s EVA and the fact that everyone plus Rei were eyeing him right now. He wondered if watching everyone go first before her and attempt to bond with her EVA was making Rei uncomfortable, maybe if he was able to pick up on some things, he and her could become closer, but that left a bad taste in his mouth. It just didn’t feel honest. “Beginning test.”

Shinji closed his eyes and felt the sensation of being lowered, except for the low hum of the machinery the plug was almost completely silent. Closing his eyes, he swore he could feel Rei’s presence alongside him, feel her warmth, the feeling was almost on par when he ran into her in her apartment. The feeling of staring into her red eyes at least, whatever feeling that was stirred deep inside him was awoken again.

What feeling was this he wondered but there was… doubt? He felt only a piece of her alongside him, it was like when they were together or when she was at school there but staring off somewhere else. It was like her attention was divided here and somewhere else, “Fine just fine Shinji, keep it up let’s see if you improve.” Ritsuko’s words threw him off for a slight second, because for one second he swore there was the memories of someone else in there.

“It looks like his focus is wavering, it’s a decent connection but if he can’t focus then we shouldn’t consider him for a backup pilot for unit 00.” Ritsuko looked to Misato seeing what she would say to this, she was usually the first to protect or prop Shinji up would she just ignore the data and argue to let him stay in it.

“Fine, there’s no reason to waste time on this, in unit 01 he’s pretty damn good but we need to move on and see if he can bond any better with the other units.” 

“Alright Shinji we’re taking you out, go to either Asuka or Nathan’s unit next, your choice.”

Not bothering to answer Ritsuko he just gave a silent nod, but as the plug took itself out, he felt a pain in his chest like he was being removed from the other half of himself, but at the same time he felt relief? Relieved that he was gone from that feeling of only half of Rei. Walking toward the other two units he wondered which one he should try his hand at.

Figuring out he owed it to Asuka he went into unit 02, he knew how she could act around people he just wondered what was going on in her head, but the last place he wanted to go was inside the heads of a crazy jealous bully and some kind of angsty emo bad boy with a chip or several on his shelter. Either way whatever was left in the tube probably wasn’t going to be all that pretty.

“Back in here again, how long has it been since last time?” he muttered to himself remembering the fight with the angel Gaghiel where he and Asuka almost ran out the clock trying to get out of the thing’s mouth. But then again, he remembered how shaken Nathan was after his fight with Tunniel, what stuff did he leave back in there after that.

Not to mention if that was still the same plug that crushed his friend there was bound to be some kind of bad aura hanging around that thing, hell he thought the EVA almost looked more like an angel-eva hybrid like it was slowly sucking all the negative energy and pain Nathan gave off and was slowly changing into something else. “Alright Shinji now you really have to focus, Asuka’s isn’t here so that might make things easier for you. Alright start the testing.”

Closing his eyes, he opened himself up, Asuka’s thoughts hit him like a freight train his temples sized up and his heart sunk. He felt alone but surrounded by people, like he was fading into the background of everywhere he had ever been. He just wanted to be noticed, front and center it was a feeling he never experienced, why didn’t anyone notice him!? 

Why didn’t anyone tell him that they loved him? Whatever he did was never good enough, even if people praised him none of it was ever good enough, he’d never be good enough. He felt like he was being crushed under stacks of cinderblocks and nobody was helping him, his shoulders felt so heavy like he was about to dragged through the center of the earth and clean out the other side.

Is this what she felt like? Why does she put so much pressure on herself? Why is she so alone, why doesn’t she feel loved? Pretty soon the emotions began flowing like water into Shinji’s mind, he just kept breathing trying to relax. Gripping the controls, he focused on trying to enter the headspace he was in when he and Asuka fought Gaghiel that unified feeling of the two of their emotions and thoughts melding into one.

“Huh, what do you know, who could guess it would take him this long to improve already. I say we can cut his synch with this one Misato let’s move him on to the last one.”

“Yeah sure let’s move on, we still have to get through Rei’s testing.”

Ritsuko looked back at her raising an eyebrow, “Something wrong there Misato I’d have thought that you’d be over the moon and praising Shinji by now.”

“It’s nothing Ritsuko… just why do you think Shinji was able to bond with unit 02 the best, so far at least it seems that he has the best compatibility.”

Ritsuko sighed pulling up the data for Asuka and Nathan, the numbers didn’t lie he was able to bond better on average than the other two. “Maybe it all just stems from the fact him and Asuka piloted unit 02 together, so he’d already knows how it feels in there. Besides from what we’ve seen at least it looks like he’s the common denominator they all have.”

“So, Shinji is the glue that’s supposed to hold this team together?” Misato shook her head lightly she loved the boy, but she’s seen sides of him that the others probably didn’t know of yet. The scared little boy who just wanted his father to say I love you, I’m proud of you. The boy who just showed up so he could tell his father just how much he hated him, the boy who ran away terrified out of his mind.

The boy who just wanted to feel happy and comfortable with those around him, how was a boy with that many problems supposed to keep and bond with a team of other kids with their own problems?

“Alright Shinji go ahead and hop into unit 06, let’s see if we can’t wrap it up early for you.”

Almost done, he thought then what after this. By the way the others left it didn’t seem like they wanted to hangout or grab a bite afterwards besides would he want to be around them immediately after this. Who knows what they all saw coming from his subconscious just thinking about it bugged him, but he pushed that out of his mind, by now all he wanted to do was go home maybe listen to some Bach.

Getting into unit 06 he settled in wondering what was possibly headed his way. He smacked his lips, he tasted tea. Did he really want tea right now? Maybe some of that green tea or oolong he had a while back or that honey lavender, he thought about calling Nathan up later and getting his recommendations or something. Yeah, that sounded like a nice night especially after the migraine that was slowly building up in his skull.

“Alright last test then you can go, just remember to focus Shinji don’t worry just get in the same head space as you did last time.”

“Sure, no problem.” He muttered, he tried to hone his focus, but he kept felt like he was slouching forward, like he was going to fall asleep, his eyes felt heavy and his muscles felt dead. Like he just wanted to lay back, come to think of it there wasn’t much emotion in his voice when he answered Ritsuko. His whole face and brain felt like they were frying on a sizzling pan.

He just wanted to lay back or sit down and stare off into nothing, just watch the world creep on by, he didn’t even want to interact with anyone no wait he did, but he felt, afraid? Nervous? No, he felt lonely, but somewhere a tiny voice was telling him it was better this way, safer this way. Just be a passive observer, gripping the controls he fought through the feelings. But somewhere in the back of his mind he just wanted to forget everything, just watch everything else pass him on by.

But as they passed something else took over his mind, he felt like he did when he was with his friends and with… Rei but there was some memories or negative energy that followed behind her. He felt a slight glow and he was relaxed he wanted to go out there now and see them if not talk to them at least just be near them in silence, enjoy their presence. He just wanted to be near to someone, have someone tell him that he mattered and that they were glad to have him in their life, that they loved him for simply being.

Is- is he just like me? Shinji wondered, but then the let out an “Urghk!” a gurgled pained groan escaped his lips as he lurched forward wrapping his arms around his stomach his fingers touching his back. The sensation of tri-hook spears shooting through his back into his heart rocked his body as he felt he was being pulled back or being held down. Then he swore he felt the presence or the memories of his friends leaving his heart like he was being left behind.

Each of them left him like a ball of light from his chest, making his bones feel like ice, his blood started to run slower like it was made of syrup. In fact, he saw them, each of them in his mind walking away from him each of them headed in their own directions, their own life path. But there he was left behind in the dust, left behind while everyone else went on with their own lives. He tried to ran after them, but his own weight and the hooks kept him chained to the earth.

“Wait! Toji! Kensuke, Asuka! Misato! Rei! Don’t leave me! I don’t want to be alone anymore! Come back please!” He cried, he pleaded with them tears streaming down his face. But no matter how loud he screamed his words fell on death ears, with each step they took it felt like another knife was scraping a layer of his heart away. “Rei please don’t leave me, please stay with me I need you!” 

It was then she stopped dead in her tracks, turning around until she faced him. They stared into each other’s eyes, until she said. “You’re just holding me back… goodbye.”

Shinji screamed as his head snapped back, his eyes opening wide waking him up, he had fallen asleep, “Shinji you okay, looks like you fell asleep there for a second.” Misato said worry in her voice, but maybe it was just because his mind was still under Nathan’s influence, but those words just felt empty and hollow to him, just like empty meaningless words with nothing behind them. It felt like she put that inflection on them just because it was expected she say those words like that.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I guess. H-how did I do?”

“You did good, you synched up almost immediately, we actually had to inhibit you, you were going so fast.” She let out a little laugh, while Shinji grew a concerned face and thought was I out as soon as I got in? Not saying anything after, he just tried to take steady breaths as the plug removed itself, he hopped down and felt a funny sensation almost like he was weightless. 

Like he wasn’t tied down to the earth and as it rotated around the sun he would still be in place and would float right off it. Running his hand through his hair he tried to brush the thoughts off, he didn’t even stop to say anything to Rei who stopped for him reaching out a hand to try and grab his shoulder. He didn’t even stop for her after she whimpered out, “Shinji?”. What were those feelings about her that were locked in Nathan’s EVA? 

REI

Why did Shinji leave me, why did he leave without saying bye? That was not like him, did he not care for me anymore? Her mind raced with thoughts and feelings she wasn’t used too, she felt like vomiting her whole body felt like ice she didn’t even want to go through with the testing, but she was told too, so here she was. Ready to hop in Unit 01 yet again, she had done it several times before and only once after Shinji piloted it.

But now she wondered what to expect from getting inside unit 01 after all this time, she remembered how the first time she got back into it she picked up on how the inside of the plug smelt like him and… it was comforting. Like he was in there with her, watching out for her. She still remembered when he rescued her from her plug after the battle with Ramiel, how he was happy and crying simply because she was alive.

It sent waves of warmness throughout her heart whenever she thought of it and how he just asked her to smile. But then came the day after, where Commander Ikari asked her how she was doing, and after she replied with, she was doing well and told him how Shinji looked after her his face grew stern and cold after hearing his son’s name. All he said to her after was, “Good.” but his tone didn’t match his words, it didn’t seem as if he were totally happy with what happened.

But she didn’t think to ask anything of it, “Okay Rei, get ready we’re about to start the testing.”  
“Yes ma’am.” She replied quickly to Dr. Akagi and gripped the controls for unit 01 already she could almost feel Shinji’s presence with her again, gripping the controls she felt the sensation of him touching her fingers with his own, it was reassuring even if he wasn’t near her it felt like he was still looking out for here. Closing her eyes, she focused her breathing, relaxing her mind so she could bond with the EVA.

For a few seconds nothing happened but then a strange presence entered in the plug with her, or was it already there? There is someone else here with me… but why do they feel familiar? They feel almost like me, but I am me. How can there be another one like me, am I not the only me? Does Shinji feel this one’s presence, does he like it? It feels like a fragment of my heart, is lost in here somewhere.

Could that be why Shinji dislikes his EVA this presence, the one that feels like me? She thought sadly, deciding to go deeper into whatever feeling she was experiencing Rei focused on that other presence. But almost like it knew that it had been discovered and it quickly disappeared, leaving her along again painfully alone. But then she felt Shinji’s presence again, she felt his warmth.

Feeling her heart flutter at the thought of his presence she ran towards him, only this time she felt him shrink away like he was uncomfortable or afraid of her. But then feelings that weren’t her began to enter her mind, that feeling of loneliness came back to her the feeling of her life before Shinji.

But also, a deep sadness, a need for love and reassurance. Along with some sense of lost, like a part of him was ripped away, was this why he wanted to be with her to feel this emptiness? Did he even love her? Were they even truly happy together in one another’s presence or was it just some fleeting feeling, could they be happy together? 

But then there were thoughts or memories of being left at a train station left all alone, she could feel tears escaping from her eyes. And then an image of the Commander’s back as he walked away simply saying, “Grow up Shinji, you cannot rely on others to help you live. Stand on your own feet for once in your life. And stop crying the only ones who should be crying are newborns.” With that a strange new emotion consumed her it was a feeling of sadness and anger. How could the commander do that to him, how could he abandon his own son, how could he cause him to feel so much pain? All he wanted was to be loved by the one person who it felt like could care less about his being. 

Shinji I never knew, “Rei is everything okay? There were some minor fluctuations, but everything looks normal now. How were things in there?” Rei closed her eyes trying to stop any more tears from escaping, she didn’t want any unnecessary questions. “Everything is fine.”  
“And how were things in the plug?”  
Opening her eyes, she looked forward, alone again all feelings of Shinji or the other were gone. “It still seems like Shinji in here.” As soon as the EVA went dead and she felt the plug leaving she was sure to wipe her eyes trying to make sure no one could see her. Letting out a shaky breath she climbed down the ladder and walked over to unit 02.

What will the second’s mind be like? She seems to not fully like Shinji and she seems to loathe and be jealous of me, why does she wish to win the commander’s favor? Why do I want his favor? How could I ever have wanted the favor of someone who hurt someone I love, what is stopping him from hurting the rest of us?

That question kept bugging her as she got ready to enter Asuka’s EVA, it was the first and probably only time she would ever be inside of it, that line of thinking didn’t bug her the least bit. She would rather have been in unit 00 or 01, at least those ones felt familiar, even if at the back of her mind they brought up… uncomfortable things. 

“Don’t worry Rei you’re almost done, I’m sure you’ll breeze through these next two.” Misato… it seemed that she was always trying to be kind to all the children, Shinji mostly but Nathan just seemed to push her away, why did he do that? Getting into the second’s plug it already felt like she wasn’t welcome, as if it could it would just spit her out.

“Okay Rei we’re about to begin the test.”, Rei nodded acknowledging Dr. Akagi’s words, gripping the controls she felt a surge of pain in her hands they quickly snapped back to her sides. It was as if her skin had been set on fire, but now the burning was spreading. It wasn’t the sort of fire feeling she felt when she was with Shinji that enveloped her, making her comfortable.

It felt like there was a hot ball of lead burning away in her chest slowly weighing her down while acid was pumped through her veins, “ACK!” she stifled a gag as her heart began to race, she began to go into the fetal position curling up. As her mind turned against her, why do you exist, why are you alive, what good do you offer to the world and others? She gripped the sides of her head as the acidic feeling in her body grew in intensity and she started to look back on herself. 

And she realized how much she truly hated herself, hated everything about herself not just her eyes but her thoughts, how she was close to the Commander, how she stole his attention away from Shinji. How she kissed his friend while the two of them were dating, why did she do that? Why would do something that could hurt him so badly?

What were her feelings for the two of them? Why didn’t she know, she hated not knowing, she hated this feeling of being torn apart. She hated Nathan for getting hurt and wanting her not to leave him, she hated herself for hating him. She hated that she would never feel truly close to Shinji or anyone else, this feeling of worthlessness. She was only ever needed to pilot the EVA, that’s all that she was a pilot not anything else nobody would need her for anything else. 

After all of this they would probably just cast her away, someone else would take her place. She wasn’t really needed by anyone and somewhere in the back of her mind she thought maybe if she curled up tight enough, she would disappear into nothing. Maybe that would be more preferable than this… this pain. 

Why did she hate herself so much? Was this feeling just because of the second’s EVA or was it always there? “Rei! We’re pulling you out, don’t worry!” Misato’s voice, see? That little voice was speaking to her again, see how long they took to rescue you, how long do you think they saw you suffering before they acted? They don’t care about you, Shinji didn’t even stay behind to watch after you. 

He abandoned you just like everyone else soon will.

When the plug was screwed out, she took deep breaths trying to steady her shaking chest, her legs were like jelly she couldn’t stand upright to save her life. She almost fell off the last rungs of the ladder she couldn’t keep her feet from slipping, gripping the guard rail she shuffled on to the next EVA unit. Why would they bother stopping her now? 

It didn’t matter what she thought or felt, piloting the unit that is your first purpose. The Commander’s voice echoed in her mind, stuck in there like a splinter. Why does he focus on me and not on his own son? Just thinking about him and what he has done to Shinji made Rei grip the railing tighter. She felt like her knuckles were going to snap, what was this feeling?

She was angry at the commander? She was, but why did she feel good hating him? As she neared unit 06, she began to relax, she was almost done. Her job was almost done, for today at least. Why would they design an EVA like this, she wondered staring up at the crown of spikes that popped out of the head of the EVA. She looked back at her own EVA as she began to climb up the ladder, seeing it next to the others.

How plain looking she thought, seeing Shinji’s with the horn and menacing look on its face, the seconds with its many eyes and sleeker design. But what turned her away from it was the color, then there was Nathan’s the demonic looking one which seemed to be as black as obsidian and have a deadlier appearance with sharp blade like edges all over it. 

But even compared to the others she preferred her minimalistic EVA, it might not have been as sleek or up to date as the others but it was hers. It was her home away from home, it might have been the only place she was truly comfortable in. Except for that one time when she lost control, the time it went berserk and nearly killed the Commander and the rest of the staff. 

The time when she was launched out of it breaking several bones and cutting her forehead, injuring her eye. The time she felt that other mysterious presence with her, who was it… what was it. Who was in the EVA with her? Was it her mother, did she even have one? Why couldn’t she remember where she came from, who she came from?

Pushing her thoughts away for the next time she was back at school and able to stare out the window she settled into unit 06. Already she felt a cold biting sensation, but it was only partially unwelcoming, in fact it felt like the kind of cold that made you want to curl up and fall asleep. 

It was only half inviting, as the plug closed itself and slid in Rei closed her eyes, Dr. Akagi’s voice seemed to be muffled and distant, maybe it wasn’t in reality but it only felt like that. Opening her eyes, it seemed like she was transported somewhere else, she was sitting alone in a black empty space with only herself in it. Taking in a breath her nostrils felt the cold but then there was something else a slight warmth against her chest, in fact it was laying against her whole body.

It reminded her of when she held Nathan against her chest, she brought her arms closer to her chest and she swore she could feel him too it was a feeling that she missed being needed by someone. She felt her heart flutter at the thought of him being able to hear it beating, to know she was there but then she felt as if her heart were being torn in two. Then the memory of her and him kissing came back, the way she felt did she really enjoy it? Did he enjoy it too?

She felt empty and alone, like a hollow shell, looking down she saw the source of warmth. It was Nathan or a piece of him, he looked pale and sicklier, his hair was white not its normal jet black, he turned his head and looked her in the eyes he was clinging tight to her. “I’ve never forgotten or forgiven myself for what we did Rei.”

“I- I haven’t forgotten either… I am not sure why I did it though. Am I a bad person for doing this… for asking that of you? For having feelings, I do not understand for the two of you. I just want to be needed by someone, I just want someone to be happy I’m alive. I want to be connected with someone.”

“I want that too… but what’s the point if everyone and everything we love dies or leaves us in the end?”

She didn’t know how to answer him, but she merely brought him closer to her resting her face on the top of his hair. Breathing him in her eyes went wide as she saw deeper in his mind, there he was watching kids play and people live their lives doing things that average people would do or whatever was expected of them to do sitting watching them from afar.

It seemed like to Rei that he wanted to go over and join them or at least have one of them come over and interact with him but at the same time the blank empty mask on his face told her that he didn’t mind being alone in fact maybe he was intentionally distancing himself from them… did he just hate them because they were alive or maybe because they were something he could never be. Maybe he just found most people disappointing and not worth his time.

But at the same time all he wanted was for someone to acknowledge him, to see him. To go up to him and just talk, just reaffirm his existence, but at the same time he just wanted to be left alone. To not acknowledge anyone else, he was just fine with being in the background seen but not heard like a mirage or a ghost.

How often did she feel that? Not hatred for others but just a great pain at being unable to connect with others, but at least she had Shinji. But the scene shifted to him at a young age being forced inside an EVA plug in tears, he was barely a small child. But his father ignored his pleas while he went into the EVA, then like a flash it showed him locked in his room scratching out pictures of his parents with a small knife. 

Tears coming out of his eyes as he clutched his head pleading over and over about why was he born, and why was if fair for someone else to make the decision that he should exist and have to die. Why did he have to grow up, how was he supposed to be good at life or living, how was he supposed to be happy. He just kept asking himself questions that nobody had an answer to.

She started to feel even more alone than ever before like she was the only being in existence and that nothing else could possibly be real, that wherever she was, was the only place that existed. How could the rest of the world be there if she wasn’t there witnessing it?  
How could he or they ever truly feel close to someone, or anyone at all? Why couldn’t the two of them feel that closeness to someone else? But then she was back in her room, and she saw the two of them sitting on her bed, she saw how nervous he was. How it seemed that at one point it seemed that the two of them were enjoying one another’s presence, the feel of each other’s skin. The comfort in knowing that there was someone else with them, that they weren’t alone.

Until she started to run her hand through his hair and touch his chest, then he shrank away as if he were afraid of getting too close to her. Afraid of the pain she could bring to him if he opened up to her. But as the scene carried out and she followed him on his daily life, going home listening to his music with the tv constantly playing. Scribbling in a notebook and then taping the paper on his walls, sitting on his balcony with a steaming cup of tea staring at the moon. Not bothering to fall asleep until almost one or two in the morning.

Rearranging his bed so that he had pillows against his back and covers bunched up against his chest as if he were trying to mimic an embrace. Sleeping only three or four hours until he woke up and started his day. The only time she felt any sense of relief from whatever he was feeling was when Nathan was in her presence, he seemed calmer and less rattled. Why does he feel this way around me? She wondered, but her chest began burning again.

The way his tired eyes seemed to light up for a second whenever he saw her, how they seemed softer when he just stared into her eyes. But was this feeling something of her own or was she simply feeling what Nathan experienced in her presence, did he have… feelings for her? Did they all start because she didn’t leave him? Why did he like looking into her eyes, how could anyone like them? Much less her?

The plug pulled itself out before Rei even noticed, that she was no longer in the EVA. “Rei, you’re finally done and congrats you did amazing, you bonded almost instantly. In fact, it seemed like the EVA was making the first move in bonding with you. How’d it feel?”

She sat there silently until she said, “I would like to see them and leave now.”  
Sighing Ritsuko simply replied with, “Sorry to disappoint Rei but the Commander has asked that you stay for further testing. No idea when you’ll be done but I doubt the rest of the pilots will still be here.”

She let her head down in silence the plug slid open as she hopped out and proceeded towards the terminal dogma, she hoped that she would run into Shinji or Nathan, she also wondered about these strange feelings she had swirling around her head and heart. She wondered if she would ever make sense of them. She wondered if she even could.


	9. Behind the glass

What none of the kids knew was that one of the off lime green colored walls looming over the EVAs was actually a large two way mirror, and behind staring in silence was Commander Ikari and Fuyutsuki, standing side by side the two men watched as Rei left the room and the lights turned off leaving the EVAs standing in the blood red glow of lights.

“Hmmm…. Curious. It seems that the two boys and Rei’s sub consciousnesses are perfect pairs for one another, or at least close enough. How would you gauge the relationship the three of them share Ikari?”

Gendo sat in silence staring into the blood glowing room, eyeing each of the four EVAs. “The American boy still seems to distance himself from Rei and the other one, but it seems that she has a better bond with him than he does with her. Maybe if events play out in our favor, the two of them will bond closer to Rei, but when it is time, I have no doubts that they won’t live up to their roles.”

“I still have my reservations about keeping them in the dark, how can we be sure that Rei will not find out about the rest not having to do- “

“She will not find out Fuyutsuki, she believes whatever I tell her and doesn’t question my orders. Even if she does find out and tries to rebel, we have the backups don’t forget, all we would have to do is a simple wipe.” That last sentence sent shivers up Fuyutsuki’s spine.

Fuyutsuki’s mind turned to the orange glass tanks where the rest “lived”. But what stuck in his mind still was the fact that Ikari didn’t even refer to his own son by his name. “Should we question her about what she witnessed in the plugs?” he tried to divert the conversation, Rei may have a synthetic being, but she still had… a piece of her.

“It’s not worth our time, besides the only thing that matters is that the children are still able to pilot the EVAs, however the German one may later prove to be detrimental. She could barely bond with unit 01, her only use is unit 02 she can’t even bond with the others, her ego might land herself or the others in hot water one day.”

“What should we do if that ever ends up being the case then?”

Gendo took a long pause before he said, “If she fails to bond better with the team and were to fail at defeating the angels, we will see to her disposal. Fuyutsuki see to it that the surveillance of the fourth child is increased, we might have to call upon him sooner rather than later.”

“I would suggest we wait before calling up the fourth, another one might throw off their dynamic and could ruin the plans.” He took a pause before he said the one thing to Gendo that they were both thinking but never said aloud, “Ikari, do you ever wonder why the old men took the responsibility of seeking out the fifth child for themselves?”

“I believe they’re merely grooming their own, just the same as us. But when the fifth child does appear, it would be foolish to not have them monitored constantly.” Fuyutsuki merely nodded in agreement, “And of the seventh?”

This time Gendo took a longer pause, “If one of the current pilots’ abilities were to falter or one were to die, we will call upon them. And if not, we will work out a scenario where Steele will have no choice but to allow us to call up the seventh.”

“In any case I will continue to trust your judgement Ikari, now if you’ll excuse me I’ll leave you to the project.”

In silence Fuyutsuki left and headed to his private quarters, as soon as the door closed behind him he locked it and went over to his chest that lay at the foot of his bed, taking his time he took off the several padlocks and disabled the other few electronic seals. Resting on his knees he took out a smaller brown wooden puzzle box, after a few minutes of twisting and pulling blocks it collapsed apart revealing the one thing he hid from Gendo.

It was a picture of Yui and a younger Shinji, he was barely a newborn clutching tight to her, burying his head away from the world in her chest. And she stood there eyes closed, smiling as a breeze made her hair flutter around her face. He closed his eyes and gripped the bridge of his nose tightly, sighing he quietly asked himself. “Yui… what would you do if you were here? What would you have done if it had been Ikari instead of you? What would have become of the boy, would you have been better or worse than him?”

He sat in silence, before he slipped the photo back into the small compartment and then proceeded to reassemble the puzzle box. Hiding it under several other things before replacing all the locks. Sighing he sat at his desk, reaching into for his decanter he poured himself a whiskey, taking a sip slowly he thought about what they were doing to these children.

He wondered if they were in the right to sacrifice them and their sanity for the salvation of mankind, but again he came to the same conclusion anyone else would, that he and any other person would be willing to send the kids from the frying pan and into the fire. Four or six lives versus the population of earth, you only needed half a brain to do the math there, if it meant saving the souls and brining happiness to all of humanity everyone would choose to sacrifice a handful of children.

But how would the children act if they knew of their purpose? If a lamb knew its destiny would it panic and rebel, would it understand why it has been given this fate or would it quietly accept it and go into a downward spiral. Fuyutsuki rubbed the side of his head, not even noticing that he already finished his glass.


	10. The meeting after

ASUKA

God that stupid idiot, that psychotic screwed up idiot. Made me throw up in my hair, what’s wrong with him? Asuka stomped down the halls of NERV, her shorter shoulder length hair bounced around in their two new short ponytails. Walking past a mirror she scowled at her reflection, how long was it gonna take now until her hair grew back, she wondered.

Now people would just think that she was copying Hikari’s hairstyle. When she found him, she was gonna give that kid a piece of her mind. As her brain racked through what she could say she heard rustling and clattering, coming from around the corner slowing her walking until she was tiptoeing, she peaked around and saw the scruffy insomniac pilot rummaging around a utility closet.

He was muttering something under his breath tossing things aside while constantly propping up his backpack cursing it getting progressively madder as it kept disobeying him and falling over. Finally deciding to make herself scene Asuka walked around the corner and called out to him. “Hey Nathan, whatcha looking for?”

Snapping his head back he jumped a little, she guessed he was hoping not to be caught doing whatever it was that he was doing. “Oh, hey Asuka… what happened to your hair?” he leaned back against the doorway to the hall closet and narrowed his eyes before rubbing them like he was trying to fight sleep at that moment. “God! Like you don’t know, whatever your screwed-up mind left in the EVA made me throw up in my hair. And I couldn’t wash it out, so I had no choice but to cut it shorter. Thanks a lot now my hair’s ruined!”

Scratching the back of his neck he shuffled his feet around, before gesturing towards her and saying, “Well for what it’s worth… I think it looks nice. I kinda like short hair on a girl.” Stammering his way to the end of his thoughts he plunged his hands nervously into his pockets. Asuka let out a sharp gasp her cheeks flushing before she balled up her fists and placed them on her hips, leaning forward and narrowing her eyes she sneered.

“You trying to make a move on me or something Nathan?” she almost shrieked it out, turning bright red he shouted back, “What!? N-n-no way! I was just trying to be nice and say your hair looks good.”

“Like you ever could have a chance with me. The only way that is ever gonna happen is in your dreams.”

“Don’t flatter yourself Asuka!” Nathan shot back snidely, “Now if you excuse me, I’ve got to get back to work.” Ducking back into the closet he returned to his rummaging. Groaning Asuka walked up to him ready to yell at him, but then something stopped her she remembered what she felt in his EVA and she wondered if he felt that. If he felt those feelings constantly. Letting out a sigh she leaned against the wall next to the door.

“So, what is it exactly that you’re looking for?” thudding against the wall she figured she might as well try to make friendly with the rest, maybe if she played her cards right, they could end up making her look good in front of everyone else. She would never admit it though, but she was slightly worried about the others… but just slightly. Maybe she just wanted to know what they were going through.

“An extension cord… but so far nada. Geez you’d think that some cloak and dagger UN military group with the whole world’s funding would have enough for one stupid extension cord.”

“Why on earth would you want an extension cord?” Peering into the small room she saw that he had turned the place entirely upside down and had several boxes turned over on their sides with random stuff scattered everywhere. “So, I can extend things?” he gave small pauses in between words.

“Okay then why won’t you just buy one yourself?”

“Well I’m already here, I don’t want it to show up on my credit card and I’m sure that NERV makes enough money to where they can spare one. Pick your choice. Ah! Here’s one.”

Asuka rolled her eyes, there was no limit on how weird this guy was she thought. Walking out she saw him quickly shove a rolled-up orange cord into his backpack before he began to toss everything back in. “So, that’s it you’re just gonna throw everything back in there like that?”

“Yeah, I’m sure they hardly use this one closet here anyways. Besides I’m sure there’s hundreds more.” He answered back in bewilderment as he kicked back the last of the things in. Slinging his backpack over his shoulder he covered up a yawn and shook his head, trying to wake himself up. “Ugh, I need to find some black tea or something and wake up.”

“Uh, hey guys.” Turing to their side they saw Shinji walking towards them giving them a quick wave, “What’s uh- what’s going on?”  
“Nothing much, just your weird friend is stealing extension cords from headquarters.”   
“It’s just one extension cord Asuka, like they’d miss it.”

“Okay… well I was gonna head out and try to grab a bite you guys wanna tag along?” 

“I could eat, Asuka you coming?”

Shrugging she sighed and said, “Sure I guess, might as well do something to kill the last hours of daylight.”

“Alright, but before we go have either one of you guys seen Rei?”

“Come to think of it, no I haven’t seen wonder girl since earlier what about you basket case?”

“No sorry Shinji.”

He let out a small sigh and muttered something about if he had done something wrong, but quickly trying to hide his sadness he shrugged and started to ask them about possible places that they’d want to eat at. Asuka stopped trying to get a straight answer about why he’d need an extension cord, Shinji plain didn’t bother to ask figuring even if he did Nathan would probably just tell another lie or say something else to mislead him.


	11. Days later at Tokyo 3 First municipal junior high school

Nathan sat at his spot at the back of the class right behind the gold trio slumping forward fighting to keep his head from slamming down on his desk, shifting constantly rubbing his eyes he tried to wake himself up. How many days had it been since they did the cross- eva testing? He had forgotten, rubbing his temples he tried to count them up. 

Well whatever the number was, Rei hadn’t been to school in that whole time. Shinji was looking more worried each day, the only things that the adults kept telling him was not to worry and that she was at HQ doing some testing stuff or something, or maybe she was just sick. Not matter what new thing they told him it just seemed to build more doubt in his mind, he just kept saying all he wanted to know is if she was okay.

Even Nathan was getting a little worried but just as he was trying to rack his mind for some possible answer his brain went blank as he finally fell asleep and his head plopped down on his arms. The old sensei didn’t even notice, once again he was babbling about something that was boring most of the students half to death so neither he nor anyone else noticed the sleeping pilot.

In the middle of his lecture the phone suddenly rang waking up Nathan and the rest of the snoozing students, old sensei answered the phone and spoke softly into the receiver, nodding several times before he hung up. “Forgive me students, I must see the principal about some pressing matters. Hikari please keep them in line while I am away.”

Shooting straight up like she had a rod for a spine Hikari stood up and bowed, “Yes Sensei.” As old Sensei walked out Hikari stood up at the front of the room holding a notebook and pen in her hands she began eyeing the kids around the classroom, looking for any signs of trouble making. But as usual everyone just ignored her, scooting their desks closer to one another and began chatting about random things.

Asuka stood up and joined her friend at the head of the class and started chattering in her ear, and but the look of it at least from Nathan’s point of view they were trying and failing to make it look like the two of them weren’t looking at Toji, but then again that was none of his business so he just shook his head and opened up his notebook and began scribbling in it again.

While he did that Shinji, Toji and Kensuke chattered about planning a surprise party for Misato to celebrate her being promoted to Major or something like that. But Nathan just ignored them and kept writing, snapping his head up like someone had slapped his back his head instinctively turned to Rei’s spot, turning to a fresh page he began writing something else, something he almost never did… he was writing a poem.

With each line he was writing faster and faster, his scratching became louder and louder, he was putting so much pressure that it seemed like he was about to tear clean through the notebook. It was like he was writing as if any second he was about to drop dead and those final words he wrote would be the final ones people forever associate with him. He was almost done nearing the last few lines he had the whole thing planned out in his mind, with a fury he tried to finish it before it was gone and lost forever.

“Hey whatcha writing there Nate?” Toji leaned over and ripped the piece of paper out of the notebook giving a look over before he slapped his face and howled with laughter like a hyena instantly getting the attention of the whole class, “What is this some kind of love poem?” he put heavy emphasis on love poem and made sure he stretched it out as far as he could, being sure to give his eyebrows a wiggle. 

“Toji give it back I’m serious.” Nathan shot out of his desk knocking the chair back with a clatter, his eyes and brow became furrowed with anger almost like unit 01s. He slammed a fist on his desk and pointed at Toji’s chest with his other hand, the air instantly grew uncomfortable. Shinji stared at him wide eyed, he had never seen Nathan like this before. Sure, the guy seemed to play things closer to the chest and was either between being melancholic or sarcastic and laid back.

But he had never seen him look angry before. “What you scared of your crush hearing it? Afraid of us seeing your sensitive side John Keats?” Kensuke asked snickering as he moved in front of Nathan in an attempt to block him.

“I’m serious guys give it back, last warning.”

“Ooooh, I’m so scared, hey everybody who wants me to read it?” Turning around Toji stretched his arms out as if he were basking in the stage spotlight, as soon as he said that the class went into an uproar, even Asuka was clapping and cupping her hands around her mouth, “Read it!” 

Hikari though was walking around trying to get everyone’s attention, yelling at them that if they didn’t pipe down that she’d start writing down names. “Well this being a democracy and all my hands are tied Nate!” he cleared his throat before taking an exaggerated stance that you’d see in a Shakespeare play.

Nathan let out a growl as he lunged for Toji, but Kensuke side stepped him and grabbed him from behind, hooking his arms underneath Nathan’s armpits he held him as tight as he could, “Man how strong are you Nathan? You’re nothing but skin and bones. How can I stop you?”

Thrashing side to side Nathan tried to escape his friend’s grasp but he was too tired to put up much of any kind of fight. “Well now, where were we?” Toji cleared his throat again this time standing up on a desk with the paper in hand, in the most dramatic voice he could muster up that sounded like he was on the verge of tears he read the poem.

Things are more bad  
Than good   
Was I ever happy   
Probably not

At least  
Not really for long  
Anyways  
But now maybe

What is happiness  
Fear, sadness and uncomfortableness   
All mixed together

I guess  
I feel that 

But when I see you   
Pain and hurt   
Melt away

I’m a little scared  
I don’t know   
what I feel 

When I see you  
I get lost   
In the best way

Your red- 

“C’mon there is so much wrong with that, it doesn’t rhyme, and it sounds like you didn’t even end it.” Kensuke laughed as his grip on Nathan released allowing the boy to crumple to the floor, his chest falling and rising rapidly as his face started to burn a bright scarlet. His stinging eyes darted around to see where one was staring at him and Asuka wide eyed with mouths agape.

“Your red- “Toji read the last line again as he stared at Asuka and Nathan, “Oh, man. Really a poem about Asuka?” He groaned, all the eyes in the classroom turned to her bright red face as she started to make some stifled grunting noises. 

“Are you serious? You have a thing for me!?” Silence fell over the class as they waited for Nathan’s response, he got to his knees shakily bracing himself on a desk before tensing up he pointed to Toji and Kensuke, “Fuck the two of you.”

Gasps filled the air as Toji hopped off the desk and held up his hands, “Dude chill out it was just a gag.”  
“Yeah Nathan ease up we didn’t mean to…”

“Shut up Kensuke, seriously the two of you guys can go to hell. And Shinji… you just sat there you little bitch, I thought you guys were supposed to be my friends and you guys pulls shit like this. Fuck this I should have never came to this shit hole.”

His breathing became more erratic as he visibly started to shake run his hands across his face and hair walking over to his desk, he started to shove things in his bag, “Woah dude we didn’t mean anything by it look -.” Toji slowly walked over both hands in the air but as soon as he was closer enough Nathan gave him a hard shove in his stomach both winding him and knocking him to the ground. “Stay the fuck away from me all of you.”

“Hey, relax man, just breath Nathan.” Shinji got out of his desk and like he was walking towards a wild animal proceeded slowly towards his friend. Shaking his head Nathan slung his back over his shoulder and walked away, “Hey wait you can’t just leave school!” Hikari shouted. “She’s right Nathan where do you think you’re headed off too.”

“Who gives a shit, I’m outta here. I’m out the door and gone, I’ve already committed here I go.” Nathan rambled on as he was already halfway out the door, slamming it as hard as he could. Like anyone would complain about it, they were the only class in the whole school. Rubbing at his eyes cursing himself for almost crying he thought about how the poem was supposed to end, and he thank nobody in particular that she wasn’t there for it.

Who knows what might have gone done if she was there.

Your red eyes  
Make me glad  
To be alive

He kept silently cursing everyone in the classroom, calling them every name under the sun and moon, wishing that they’d never been born but realizing he’d much prefer it if he was never born. Walking out the school with no specific destination in mind, he ventured into the city. Seeing what it had to offer, the little shops, the cafes.

Eventually he found himself outside of a bike shop, figuring if he was gonna just roam around the city he might as well be traveling faster and smarter, walking in he looked around until the old man behind the counter saw him. “Hey, aren’t you supposed to be in school right now son?”

“Half day… had nothing better to do so I figured might as well see the city.”

Narrowing his eyes at him the shop keeper shrugged and muttered, “Alright well if you’re looking for bikes you came to the right place. I’ve gotta go do some inventory in the back but if you see one that catches your eye, just holler.” As the shop keep walked to the back Nathan slowly made his way up and down each aisle eyeing the stock, but it wasn’t until he came upon a black and orange single speed bike did he stop.

Gripping the firm rubber handles, he squeezed the brakes, feeling the high tension in them he stroked the bike feeling its smooth cold, lightweight steel frame. “So, I see you found one you like, huh?”

Not bothering to look at him Nathan just kept eyeing the bike, “Yeah I guess I have.”

“Surprised you didn’t look at the multi geared bikes, most kids seem to like those ones.”

“Well I guess I like the feel of a single gear, ya know? It’s all on you, you go as fast as you can pedal.”

“Suit yourself kid.”

Slapping down his card Nathan paid up and rolled the bike up to the door popping the kick stand he took his wallet and any loose items shoving them into his pack pulling the straps tighter he slung it over his back, opening the door he wheeled out. Swinging his leg over the bike he settled down, just as he was about to push off the shop keep ran out.

“Hey kid aren’t you gonna buy a helmet?” he asked lifting one up, but Nathan just simply shook his head, “Don’t need one, don’t plan on crashing.” And with that he pushed off with his right foot and took down the street starting slow at first but after he crossed the street and got into the bike lane, he leaned forward over the handlebar and quickened his pace.

The bike swayed side to side as his legs flew, the dead hot wind rushed past his hair as he biked through any light going faster and faster, the burn of lactic acid just made him pedal with more intensity fighting the cramping sensation Nathan biked all over the city trying to find some place familiar, coasting down hills when he could only leaning back to feel the breeze.

He had no idea how long he had been biking for, he didn’t even remember when he left school all he knew was that his whole body was starting to burn and ache, so he stopped pedaling and let inertia carrying him through a quiet empty park. It wasn’t until he was about to pass a small concrete pool did, he see the blue haired girl sitting by the edge, it couldn’t be he thought.

Using the last of his strength he pedaled towards her and squeezed the brakes coming to a stop just five feet away from her, turning her head he saw the pair of red eyes he wrote about. “Oh… hello Nathan, why aren’t you in school?”  
“I just took a half day or… I don’t know I just left. Bigger question is why haven’t you been in school these past few days?”

“The Commander and Dr. Akagi had me stay for some more testing that lasted longer than expected.” It wasn’t until he looked closer did he notice her hair looked slightly messier than usual and she had dark circles under her eyes that stood out against her pale moon skin. 

To her side was her book bag with her shoes and socks neatly sitting beside it, her legs in the water. “So, what are you doing here?”  
“I had some free time in between testing, but the pool at headquarters was closed. This was the next best option.”

“So, you like swimming?” She gave a slight nod as she slowly kicked her feet back and forth the water lapping up against the side, “Yes, I enjoy the feeling of weightlessness it gives me and the cold surrounding me. And this is enjoyable too with the heat.”

“You mind if I join you?” she shook her head, hopping around silently cursing his dead stiff legs he took his shoes and socks up, cuffing his pants he settled in next to her and grabbed his back fishing around for his MP3.   
“Is there anything you wish to talk about?” He eyed her from the sides of his head, why was she asking this? Was she generally wanting to talk, or did she just want to find a way to slowly divert the conversation over to the cross-EVA testing? “Nah, not really I’d rather just sit here with you.”

“So, you don’t want to talk with me?” She asked her voice sounded a little hurt, “Oh no Rei, it’s not that… it’s just. I don’t mind talking to Shinji or even Asuka but with you… I don’t know I’m fine with just being around you. Like we don’t have to talk, just being around you is fine enough for me.”

“Oh… thank you. I enjoy being around you as well.” She looked away for a second as Nathan put in his ear buds and clicked his player absent mindedly searching for the perfect song to listen to, the cold water felt nice relaxing his muscles. Taking away the numb burning feeling, finding some music he felt he could listen to for however long he zoned out and listened to Flatsound’s I exist I exist I exist.

The slow echoey acoustic sent shivers through his body, he had no idea how long he was listening to it all he knew was that he was clutching his player tightly near his lap, after a few minutes he felt a slight tugging on his right shoulder. Taking his earbuds out he turned to see Rei, “C-can I listen as well?”

“Huh?”

“I would like to listen to your music, they say that to hear another person’s music is to get a small glimpse into their heart and soul.”

“Why would you want to do that?”

“To understand you.” She said simply, shrugging he offered her his left ear bud which she put in restarting the song they sat in silence listening to his music for how long neither of them knew. 

it seemed that Nathan was starting to ease up resting his hand in between the two of them. After listening to several songs, the player finally landed on Swordfish’s I’m okay x3, and his tense hand gripping the player relaxed going limp almost rolling over on itself. Rei leaned back staring up at the sky but for some reason unbeknownst to her, her fingers crept towards Nathan’s hand.   
Maybe it was because of the song’s lyrics resonating with the two of them, maybe they just felt lonely and they both knew that the other felt lonely even with people who they cared for and who cared for them.

I could never see someone  
I like to talk things out but not that much

I could never kill myself   
But I’d be lying if I said I never thought about it 

But soon as they made contact with his cold flesh, he let out a small gasp and instinctively drew his hand back to his lap, Rei’s head sunk as she turned and looked away wondering why he still shied from her. She closed her eyes slowly, the insides of them felt heavy just like her heart, it felt as if she was going to sink in on herself. But then her pinkie felt a chilly sensation and she looked down, she saw hers and his pinkies intertwined with one another.

He was looking away from her, but he scooted closer slightly to her… but only slightly, she scooted in return the two of them closer now. The two of them didn’t say anything, they just sat near one another the sounds of cicadas and lapping water going into their free ears. “I’m sorry… I just don’t know how to be close to someone.” He whispered, Rei just turned her head silently and looked at him, wondering how she acted around Shinji, she wondered if she was any similar. “It’s okay… I sometimes don’t know how to act around some people as well.”

Maybe this is how we will become closer, just enjoying one another’s presence in silence while listening to music that reveals our feelings, Rei thought, if so, she hoped there would be more meetings such as this one.

The song shifted to Panucci’s pizza aesthetic? more like ass-pathetic, and for one moment she didn’t feel so lonely, even though she hated the thought of someone she looked after and cared for being in pain, it was reassuring that maybe if she could help him, she could help herself. Or maybe the two of them could help each other.

Once the song they were listening to ended she took out the earbud removed her pinkie from her grasp he didn’t show much reaction besides looking like he sunk lower, maybe he felt lonely… she knew that as soon as their hands stopped touching, she felt lonely again. “I have to go now, goodbye.” 

She lifted her legs out of the water standing up she rooted around her bag before she frowned, “Something wrong?” he asked. “I forgot to bring a towel.”

“Oh well here you can use this.” He took off his white school shirt and offered it up to her, she tentatively reached out for it. “Thank you.” After she dried herself off, she stood there silently for a second looking back at the water, “I’ve always wanted to see the sea… you think that I’ll ever see it?” she asked. Not having an answer for her Nathan merely shrugged and said, “Anything’s possible I guess.”  
She pulled her socks and shoes on, but then she folded up the white shirt and placed it into her bag and merely said, “Farewell.” Before she walked off.

Nathan just sat there staring at her as she walked away in silence wondering what just happened, when she had finally disappeared from his eyesight he just muttered “Great there goes my school shirt.” He sat there for a little while longer, just until the sounds of cheering and shouting children excited for the weekend began to fill the park. Figuring it was time to go before anyone who knew him saw him, Nathan pulled on his socks and shoes.

Hopping on his bike he plugged in and shut the sounds out, pedaling home he hopped that he still had some button-up shirts left over but more importantly he hoped his mail order stuff had finally come in. The only sound that cut through the music was the scraping of the rubber tires and the whining grind of the pedals and gears, finally making it home he carried his bike up the several flights of stairs. Sweat dripped off his forehead wiping it away he was glad to see that he had one massive box addressed to him as well as one box that was probably a foot tall.

Leaning his bike against the wall near the bathroom door he went back out and gathered his things, in the smaller box was his orange Himalayan salt rock lamp and in the other was a large double bass with its bow and a beginner’s guide. Hooking the salt rock lamp in the outlet closest to his bed he set the bass in the corner of his room. 

Venturing to the bathroom he unlocked the bottom cabinet under the sink, verifying that he indeed placed the extension cord right next to the toaster in their place and after putting the padlock back in place he decided to check his closet for anymore of his white school shirts. 

“Damn it! I was sure I had more than just the one.” He said to himself before remembering he only wore the one, he just kept it as clean as he could. Did he have any more? He rubbed the side of his head, wondering how bad his memory could be if he forgotten how many shirts he had, 

But his lucky stars must have been shining down on him because at the back of his closet was a box labeled school shirts. Ripping the tape seal apart he opened up the packs containing each individual shirt but then his face of hope quickly melted away as he saw who ever packed up his order from the warehouse sent him the wrong order, sure they were the same style but they were black… not white.

“Damn it.” He muttered as he walked towards the shower, after a nice hot soak he walked out and got dressed for the night, looking out his window still seeing the sun he wondered what to do for dinner, but more importantly what tea would he be drinking tonight. Pulling a plain white shirt over his torso he hiked up his sagging sweatpants and shuffled over to the kitchen, leaning against the wall facing the kitchen’s appliances and cabinets he eyed everything.

His eyes bouncing off thing to thing, wondering if he wanted something spicy, savory, sweet, meaty, fishy. If he wanted noodles or rice, vegetables and if they would be steamed, grilled, cooked in a wok. If he’d want desert or not, if he wanted a tea filled with caffeine, or an herbal caffeine free tea. Earthy notes, fruity notes, a subtle tea, one with a blend of flavors that was more complex. Then he wondered if he wanted to go out to eat and if so what, there was just too many choices. Maybe tonight would be the night he’d try his hand at making ramen or not.

His heart sped up and he found that he couldn’t breathe he began pacing around trying to breath, closing his eyes he tried to imagine what he would want to eat but nothing sounded particularly good to him. Opening his eyes, he looked around and saw that the sun had already set, and the moon was on the rise, how long had he been walking around his apartment trying to figure out what to eat. When he started the sun was still out wasn’t it? Taking a deep breath in and out he walked out to the balcony and leaned on the railing to get a view of the moon, for some reason lately it was so calming just to look at it, but whenever he did see it, it always seemed like Rei was on his mind.

Just then his phone rang pulling him back to earth, picking it up he held it to his ear, “Hey Nathan, it’s Shinji.”  
“Oh, Hey Shinji. What’s up?”

“Uh- I’m not sure if you heard about Misato being promoted, but me and the rest of the gang were thinking about planning her a party to celebrate. And I was just wondering if you wanted to come over… I mean it’s okay if you don’t, considering what happened earlier today. It might be a bit awkward with everyone else here.”

“Do you even want me over?” 

“Yeah why wouldn’t we?”

“Well should I bring anything?”

It was then that Shinji said the worst thing he ever could to him, “Yeah, bring whatever you want.”

Clicking the phone Nathan, went back into his downward spiral of wondering what he should bring, should he really bring something that he liked, or should he just bring something that everyone would like, he wondered if Rei was gonna be there. But getting back to his grocery list he couldn’t think of one thing he particularly enjoyed, he just thought of things he could tolerate. Besides would everyone else really like what he brought, or would they just pretend too?

But nevertheless, he pulled on the same old school uniform only this time he had a black button up over his plain black shirt. Shaking his head side to side at his reflection of himself clad in all black, he muttered something about how he was sure they would say something when they saw his new outfit. 

Putting his earbuds in he walked to the nearest shop, and as soon as he walked in he felt overwhelmed just by the sight of the massive rows of snack foods, it didn’t help that he was still trying to study the kanji so he was going to have to rely on the way things looked.   
Grabbing a cart, he wheeled down each row, once, twice, three times then another four times. He grabbed three cases of orange soda, then another two cases of some dark soda. A couple boxes of chocolate snack cakes, various flavored bags of chips and a carton of vanilla, chocolate and cookies and cream ice cream. 

But that still wasn’t enough or was it too much. Sighing he went back to walking up and down each aisle, figuring he should get something for Misato too he grabbed a big bouquet of white and red speckled Japanese orchids. He went over everything he had in his cart over and over again, scratching the back of his head he went down the aisle just once more trying to see if anything else looked good enough to take to the others.

Letting out a shaky breath he realized it still wasn’t enough, so he went to the health and beauty section and picked Misato up a bath relaxation care package. Feeling a wave of relief wash over him he went over to the cashier, some older girl with her hair tied into a single short ponytail slung over her shoulder. “Big night huh? What are you celebrating?”

“Uh… yeah I guess, it’s nothing much just a friend get together kinda thing.” He answered back nervously shaking a little. “Well you sure you got enough stuff?” she gave a small short laugh. “God, I hope so.”

He shuffled the shopping cart down dark unlit alleys, the cart rattling and clanking as it went over the tiniest bumps and imperfections in the sidewalk. Nathan looked at the moon feeling a since of calm again, it also helped that he was listening to the slow strumming of Helicopter Helicopter’s by starlight. For a moment he felt beyond relaxed and maybe even a little excited at the thought of being able to see and be around his friends.

He had already forgotten about Toji’s stupid prank earlier, but just as he was nearing Shinji’s apartment complex, he felt the sensation of being watched by two alien eyes. Looking over his shoulder in the one streetlight bathed in a white angelic glow was a boy, he looked like he was about his age. But he didn’t look like your average boy, he had white or greyish hair. 

But he was wearing the same school uniform the rest of the guys did, he couldn’t see his eyes from that distance, but he did notice one thing or was his sleep deprived mind playing some kind of trick on him. Because Nathan swore that the boy, he was staring at was hovering above the ground, just barely a few inches, closing his eyes and shaking his head for just a split second before opening them up again.

And already the boy was gone, he just closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose giving it a quick rub, “Maybe you should have just stayed home and tried to sleep.” he said to himself, but silently acknowledging to himself that he would’ve probably just stayed up drinking tea and listening to music or watching movies. Brushing the thoughts away he got back to pushing his cart, he just hoped that the elevator was working.

Just as he was about to reach the door he quickly went back over his cart’s stock.  
Misato’s flowers and bath package, three cases orange soda, two cases dark soda, snack cakes, chips, one carton vanilla, one carton chocolate, one carton cookies and cream.   
Misato’s flowers and bath package, three cases orange soda, two cases dark soda, snack cakes, chips, one carton vanilla, one carton chocolate, one carton cookies and cream.   
Misato’s flowers and bath package, three cases orange soda, two cases dark soda, snack cakes, chips, one carton vanilla, one carton chocolate, one carton cookies and cream.   
Misato’s flowers and bath package, three cases orange soda, two cases dark soda, snack cakes, chips, one carton vanilla, one carton chocolate, one carton cookies and cream. 

Then he went over it just two more times, his heart started racing after he took out his earbuds and the sound of music was replaced by loud laughter, music and talk of something he couldn’t quite make out. Maybe he should just turn around and leave, like they’d even miss him besides they were all probably doubting he’d even show up. 

But he was already here, so might as well go in he thought, swallowing a growing lump in his throat he wet his lips and moved the cart over. He walked up to the door, his wrist shook slightly as he raised his fist, and then he knocked.

Knock, knock, knock… knock 

Then the party went silent and he stood there waiting, waiting for an answer, just then there was a rush of footsteps.


End file.
